Irish Taste Test & Trick or Treat (1952)

Posted on October 11, 2011 by bayoubabylon

324 Days Until Dragon*Con 2012…

It is inevitable, when traveling abroad, that when you get home you will attempt to recreate some of the experiences you had overseas. In fact, it is so unavoidable that you should just go ahead and plan on scoping out some food and drink that you may be able to emulate once you get back on your home turf.

Traveling to Mexico? While there, keep an eye out for ways you can recreate the experience at home. Maybe learn how to make your own tortillas or something.

Traveling to Norway? Come home and start your own black metal band.

How about Japan? Come home and marry a pillow.

A few weeks ago, the wife got home from a work trip to Espana. She wasted no time in buying up all the Spanish wine she could find, learning how to cook “tortillas” (a Spanish tortilla is an egg dish, not like something you wrap beans up in), and, in general, making a nuisance of herself.

But that’s ok! Because we all do it. No way around it, remember?

About a month ago, I returned home from a trip to Ireland. I spent a little over 2 weeks over there visiting friends, traveling around, drinking pints, and playing a little music.

When I got home, the first thing I did was buy a ton of Guinness (we did the “Guinness Tour” which is quite an experience). I also wanted to recreate some of the flavors that I have had over there that I like. The easiest food to recreate, or so I thought, was taters with beans.

Here is the ingredient list:

1. Can of Heinz Brand “Beans in Tomato Sauce”.

2. Potato Waffles.

3. Brown Sauce.

No problem, right? WRONG. Well, kinda wrong….

#1. Every grocery store here in the States has “Heinz Brand Vegetarian Beans”, which I thought was, undoubtedly, the same thing.

#2. Potato Waffles, on the other hand, are impossible to get in the States. Or at least, impossible for me. If you are unfamiliar with what potato waffles are, they are just mashed potatoes shaped like waffles, but crispy on the outside and fluffy in the middle. Savory, not sweet like Eggos or something like that.

What’s crazy, to me, about the potato waffle famine in the United States is that Bird’s Eye, an American company, manufactures them here and then ships them over there! Depriving their own native kinsmen of this delicious, low-cost, breakfast delicacy. Dubya Tee Eff, Bird’s Eye????

The closest I have come, so far, to recreating the flavor and consistency of a potato waffle is…. get ready…

a potato. baked in the oven (not the microwave).

The thing about a baked potato baked in the oven is that I hafta do something that I’m not used to doing. And that is to anticipate when I might be hungry.

See, a potato, when baked in the oven, takes AT LEAST an hour. So you may not be hungry now, but go ahead and pop that baked tater in the oven for later, because then you might be hungry.

#3. I first had brown sauce about 8 years ago, on my first visit to Eire. I immediately thought, “This is just A1 steak sauce!” I checked the ingredients and, sure enough, there it was: plums’n’raisins’n’shit. “This IS A1 sauce!!!” Brown sauce is a widely-used condiment over there that is not popular over here because it is only used for steaks over here. Plus, for a condiment, A1 is as high as giraffe pussy (expensive).

Why do you care? Because I performed a taste test. So for all you people out there who, like me, may be searching for a way to simulate a taste you acquired in Ireland, or the UK, then this is for you.

First, the contenders….

In this corner, weighing in at a few ounces, representing the Americans….  The Taste of the West, The Gridiron Griddle Hoppers, the Lean, Mean, Bean-Munching Machiiiiinesss……..

Heinz Vegetarian Beans and A1 Steak Sauce!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the Red, White and Bean Team!!!

Aaaaand in this corner, weighing in at another few ounces, representing the home of this taste… the Rumblin’ in the Dublin, the Fork in the Cork, the Always in the Galways….

Heinz Beans in Tomato Sauce and HP Brown Sauce!!!!!!!!!!!

the Green Machine!!!!!!

On paper, this looks like a close match. I hafta give the edge to the Irish team though, since this is a taste that they concocted, which the American team is only trying to mimic. The real question is whether or not the American team is just close enough to scratch that “Beans and Taters and Brown Sauce” itch that crops up every now and again. Close enough that I don’t have to pay outrageous prices for imported cans of beans and a condiment with Big Ben on the front.

Also, another question that is particularly interesting to me and the purposes of this site is, “Which one is better for you?”

Both of these teams will be paired with an oven-baked potato, to ensure fairness.

First up, the Irish beans...

LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUMMMBLLLLEEEEEEE……..!!!!!!!!!

*DING DING***

The Heinz Beans in Tomato Sauce come out swingin’!!!! You can tell that the Irish beans really came to play today! Look at their tasty texture and bland-looking tomato sauce!

the Empire Strikes Back!!!

But the Americans strike back with the Heinz Vegetarian Beans!!!

It is clear that the American beans are thicker than the Irish beans. The sauce is way thicker and darker, which I took to mean that they were probably a lot sweeter. The Irish beans’ sauce was more tomato-y lookin’ and soupy.

Aaaaand here comes the brown sauce!!!!!

The brown sauce gives the Americans an uppercut!

But the Americans strike back with A1 STEAK sauce!!!!

The Americans are all over the place!!!

Look how uniform the Brown Sauce looks. When I poured the A1 on top, it was VERY runny. Brown Sauce has a consistency that is more akin to ketchup or mustard, the kings of condiments. A1 has a consistency of dishwater.

Now it was time to taste…

The American version was, as I suspected, both sweeter and tangier than the Irish version. The American beans were thick, and a lot sweeter. The A1 was runny, but it actually packed more punch than the Brown Sauce, meaning it had a ton of tangy flavor in there. I guess this goes along with the stereotype that Irish and British food is more bland than American food.

All said, I know I like the Irish version better, just like I would like American barbecue better. The taste is all theirs, and we can’t replicate it properly. But is it good enough to scratch the itch when need be?

Not really. For one thing, the American version may be easier to get, but it’s not that much cheaper.

A can of the Irish beans costs $2 at World Market. The can of Heinz Vegetarian Beans costs about $1.25 at Winn-Dixie.

A bottle of HP Brown Sauce is about $6 at World Market. A bottle of A1 is also about $6 at Winn-Dixie (but you get a lot more of it).

Is it worth the extra 75 cents, and the hassle to drive 45 minutes to the nearest World Market? Probably. Especially if you are in the area anyway.

Which is better for you? Brown Sauce & A1 are about the same, calorie-wise, but the Irish Beans have a lot less sugar than the American version.

So pretty much, the Irish win this round of taste tests. Of course, like I said, it is their taste and I wouldn’t want to “taste test” American BBQ with Irish BBQ (if it even exists).

Trick or Treat (1952)

Donald Duck gives his nephews hell on Halloween night… until a nice witch shows up to teach him a lesson.

Trick or Treat for Halloween!!!

I really like this title screen. A window with “Trick or Treat” written on it. This could be in a horror movie. Like someone is being stalked by an unseen menace on Halloween, then they look out the window and see this! Scary stuff, man…

Halloween night!!!

The opening shot is of a sleepy little burg on Halloween night. Possibly Sleepy Hollow. Possibly Duckburg.

This famous short starts with a witch flying around town. She’s a good witch, and her name is Hazel (Witch Hazel, get it?). She flies around and scares some bats, a cat, and herself when she stumbles across one of the nephews with a jack-o-lantern on his head.

How does he do that?

Ahhh, homemade Halloween costumes. When I was a kid, there were several years when I wore costumes that my mom had made for me. I doubt that happens anymore.

In this shot, the nephews are walking up to Uncle Donald’s house to go trick-r-treating. Donald opens the door and gives them something in their bags….

Firecrackers! What a jerk!

"Thanks a bunch, jerk!"

Witch Hazel sees the boys, looking downtrodden because Uncle Donald blew their Halloween sacks to smithereens. She decides to help them get Donald back for being so mean…

"I saw the whole thing, kids..."

Is it even possible to tell the difference between the nephews, just by looking at them?

Look at the look on the devil one’s face! I think he’s had enough for one night. Someone put a mickey in his mini Snickers bar…

Witch Hazel talks in “thees” and “thous”, which would suggest that she is a few hundred years old. Possibly even a survivor of the Salem witch trials…

She then tries to trick-r-treat at Donald’s house… only to fall prey to his pranks. He dumps a bucket of water on her head, and she doesn’t melt!

What she does is cook up a witch’s brew for that ol’ stinker, Donald…

toil and trouble...

Like blue, Disney uses the color green in a lot of films to let you know that mischief and/or evil is afoot…

Witch Hazel drinks a bit, has a violent reaction, and stumbles over to the nephews and says in her drunk voice, “Kids, this stuff’s loaded!!!” Another reference to alcohol use in a Disney film.

She picks the kids up on her broomstick and they fly around. Then she sprays some of her potion on a jack-o-lantern… which makes it come to life and scare Donald!

"whoooooaaaa!!!!!"

She uses the spray on several other things, like turning a fence into ghosts, and haunting a paintbrush so it paints Donald’s house green. Then she barges in the door and demands treats for herself and the boys.

Donald complies (what would you do when threatened by a living jack-o-lantern???)…

At least, until Hazel calls him a “pushover”…

"Pushover?!?!?!?!?!"

He locks the treats up! but Hazel puts the spray to his feet, which eventually forces him to break down the door to the goodies…

"Yay! Uncle Donald has a concussion!!!"

This includes some all-time classic Halloween treats, like sausages, oranges, cans of soup, etc.

Her work done, Hazel waves goodbye….

"Goodbye Kids!!!!"

"Goodbye Hazel!!!"

And off into the night, over the town, she flies…

It's almost Dawn!!!

Posted in About Fitness, About Me, General dorky shit | 1 Comment

An Hour with the Elliptical Bird & Hell Night

Posted on October 10, 2011 by bayoubabylon

Friends, I thought that being in a traffic jam at 5am was a drag, but today I discovered the Emperor to traffic jam’s Vader….

A flat tire. At 5am.

Talk about derailing a schedule! A flat tire is enough to give even Santa Claus, the jolliest sumbitch on the planet, a case of the Mondays.

So rather than driving half-asleep to the JFZ at 5am, I was changing a tire. I don’t know how many of you fellow sweaty nerdlingers have ever changed a tire, but it’s not as easy as Ralpie’s dad makes it look.

I put the spare tire on, which was half-flat itself, and drove up to the gas station to put some air in it. Then I went to my local tire repair shoppe (whom gives you free tire repair if you buy your tires there. Thanx Trax Tire Co.!)

Waiting for my tire to be repaired took about an hour. At this point, it would have been really easy to just call the day a wash and go home and play LOTRO until time to go to work. In the past, anything that throws me off my schedule has been enough of an excuse to just go to coffee and resume bidness as usual on the next bidness day.

This is one of those hurdles we’ve talked about in the past.

Instead of succumbing to this temptation, I imagined that the Whirly Bird was responsible for my flat tire. The Whirly Bird snuck out of the JFZ last night, came to my house, and slashed my tire because he knows that on Mondays I’m gonna give him unholy hell. How do I know it was him, and not the Trilogy of Terror conspiring against me? The Trilogy are confident in their abilities to defeat me mano-a-machino, and therefore do not need to sneak around and try to prevent me from arriving at the JFZ. The Trilogy just says, “Bring it, tubby.” The Whirly Bird is sneaky. He’s probably Neutral Evil.

With that in mind, after my tire was fixed, I came home and changed into my workout duds and drove up to the JFZ to, once again, confront my nemesis.

Immediately, it felt weird. I was at a disadvantage with my opponent. The Whirly Bird always has home field advantage, but this time he had another advantage: an unfamiliar environment.

The 8:30am JFZ Vibe is very different from the 5:15am JFZ vibe. I was off-balance as soon as I got out of the car. Walking into the JFZ in the glaring light of day just did not feel right.

Behind the counter, there were a lot of JFZ employees that I didn’t recognize. They looked at me with disdain, thinking I was some Johnny-come-lately, one-and-done kind of fat guy. It was the look that they give all the newcomers after New Year’s.

It didn’t matter. I’m not at the JFZ to be J-ed by dufus employees who probably work out to Beyonce or something. My usual girl was also there anyway, all smiles and surprised to see me coming in so late.

On the plus side of things, one of my old school JFZ Cast Members was working out! Joan Jett!!!! JJ is a woman I useta see every day when I first got my JFZ membership a couple years ago. I call her Joan Jett because I think she’s been fitnessing since the 80s. I’ll leave it at that.

I mounted the stairs and approached the Whirly Bird…

I communicated with it via telepathy.

“Surprised to see me, Whirly Bird???”

“Um, uh uh uh…. *Buddy*!!! Good to see you!!! Was wondering if you were coming today!!! Ready for a workout???”

“Cut the crap, Bird. I know it was you. You broke my heart.”

“What? Me? Never! I’d never puncture anyone’s tire!!! My primary directive is to help people fitness better!!!”

“A-HA!!!! So it was you!!!”

“*gulp*”

“You are sentenced to ONE HOUR of fitnessing with me! My fat ass will jar your little inside parts a-loose!!! Bwa ha ha!!!”

“Oh no!”

“Oh yes!”

I wanted to do the Whirly Bird for an hour. Not just to punish it for its transgressions against my goals, but also just to see if I could do it. I’m the boss, body! Not you!

And so began my epic adventure aboard the Great Space Elliptical…

00:00:00 I eyeball the Whirly Bird. The theme song from “the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly” comes on the radio in my brain. I turn on my ipod and mount up.

00:01:00 One minute in. I set the time for “60 minutes”. Feeling good, like I can destroy the Whirly Bird if I have to.

00:15:00 Fifteen minutes in, I feel a cramp coming on. A “stitch”. I attribute this to drinking too much water and V8 before beginning my workout. I’ve read on the internet that the best way to get rid of this type of cramp is to stretch out and take slow, even breaths. I try that…

00:20:00 Twenty minutes in, and the stitch has not gone away. I feel like I’m moments away from giving up, especially when I think about being only 1/3 of the way through the hour. The pain has me hunched over the elliptical like Quasimodo. I can hear the Whirly Bird taunting me in my brain.

00:20:06 Milliseconds later, the fitness gods descend on my soul like gangbusters. The theme from Rocky has come on my earbuddies!!! I am so inspired that the pain disappears and I raise my hands in victory!!! Nevermind what the other JFZ patrons think! (though I am now convinced that I’m officially on their COC as “that guy who did a victory dance on the elliptical”)

00:20:08 I think I overpumped myself because I blacked out for a few seconds from sheer fitness exuberance. I’m not sure, but I may have been speaking in tongues.

00:27:00 “All I Do is Win” comes on the ipod. Leaving me in sheer fitness nirvana. I don’t listen to a lot of popular rap and/or hip hop, but this song was the theme song for the Auburn Tigers last year. It makes me want to buy the world a coke.

00:30:00 Halfway done and I feel like a million bucks. One hour??? Pshaw! How bout 2 hours??!!!?!?!?!? I really was in a zone at this point and felt like I could elliptical forever.

00:35:00 My usual stopping point. I’m soaking wet with sweat, but James Brown is assuring me that “I’ve Got the Feelin'”. Like I said, this is the point where I usually get off the Bird and go downstairs to meet the Trilogy. But I’m over halfway to today’s goal and still feel really good, so I have no doubt that I’ll make it…

00:35:43 The cramp in my side starts trying to sneak back in…

00:40:00 The cramp is back, but at 40 minutes, with only 20 left to go, I refuse to give in to pain. What’s the worst that could happen??? If you would have asked me then, I would have said that it felt like my spleen might explode.

00:45:00 It’s been almost a month since I started going to the gym, and the 45 minute mark is as far as I’ve gone. From here on out, we’re off the map. Uncharted territory. I am soaking wet, sweating through my shirt (which was white. Check out these boobs, ladies!). The pain in my side has subsided a bit. I think it realized it couldn’t win so it gave up.

00:50:01 Queen Bitch comes on the ipod and I realize that there is no stopping me at this point. Less than 10 minutes to go, and only now do I realize that I will definitely finish. This gives me the energy to pedal faster…

00:58:00 2 minute warning. Finish strong. I cranked the difficulty up to 11 (I literally did this, and yes, it was a real-life Spinal Tap reference). If you’ve ever done 11 difficulty on the elliptical, you know it is hard. These last two minutes nearly did me in…

01:00:00 Done!!!!!!!! I did it!!!! I felt so good I wanted to go do a victory dance in the locker room, cheese smell or no… The Whirly Bird looked none the worse for wear, but it didn’t matter. I had won the day!!!

01:02:00 After a two minute cooldown period, I dismounted, wiped the manjuice off the Bird, and left.

I didn’t do any weight-lifting today. Tomorrow we’ll get back to routine, but today I really just wanted to see if I could do it, and I could, so I’m really satisfied with today’s workout.

Hell Night (1981)

“Pray for Day…”

Pizza Lock in!!!!

Another entry in the “teenagers partying in the wrong place” is “Hell Night”.

After the Exorcist (and the Exorcist 2, which isn’t really as bad as everyone says it is), Linda Blair was branded as a “scream queen”. She could only get work in horror movies.

In this one, she’s a few years older than she was in the Exorcist (that’s her on the cover with her bazonkers trying to unlock the fence). Old enough to convincingly play a college student.

It’s a plot taken straight from all the ghost stories you read as a kid: in order to get into a fraternity-type club, 4 college kids are locked into “Garth Manor”, the local haunted house, overnight. This is a bad idea because a bunch of people who survived a massacre there still live there, and they don’t like their land being trespassed on.

This is a pretty decent flick with some creative deaths. It makes for a good Halloween picture because any story about young adults having a party that doesn’t end well is great for Halloween parties.

It has a bit of a gothic flair to it, almost like an updated Hammer Horror movie. I mean, take a look at Linda Blair’s costume, or any of the costumes! They are all very Mary Shelley-ish. Ruffles and shit. Like the pirate shirt in that episode of Seinfeld.

The costumes, along with the classic haunted house atmosphere provided by candelabras, spider webs, creaky staircases, really amp up the gothic Halloween-ish-ness of the movie. If this didn’t have the graphic murder scenes, it could easily be watched by kids on Halloween. Or if your parents were like mine, you watched it anyway. Then dreamed about being locked in a house populated by murdering murderers.

But don’t take my word for it, imdb has been kind enough to allow us to watch the entire film on their website.

But if you don’t want to sign in to imdb, you can watch it via youtube here:

(((Well. Sonofabiscuit. Someone else doesn’t want to share with the world. Go watch it somewhere, anywhere…)))

Posted in About Fitness, About Media, General dorky shit | Leave a comment

Vampire Wine & Monster Squad

Posted on October 9, 2011 by bayoubabylon

Well, I made it to work. And on time, no less.

I ended up going with this…

Hallowine!!!
In the spirit of Samhain, I stole this picture from someone on the internet. If this is your pitcher (Southern for “photograph”), then I must say that I apologize. Kinda. The only reason I don’t is because I didn’t get a badass wine-sized coffin with mine. Although that probably would have jacked the price from the under-$20 range up to the 200-buck-chuck range.
A few years ago, I bought a bottle of this stuff and, I may be hallucinating from the after-effects of sweating my balls off in a gold lame costume, drinking a bottle of wine, and sleeping for 2 hours, but I promise that this stuff was actually from Transylvania, and claimed to be made by “real” vampires.
I realize that was a convoluted sentence, and my inner copy editor wants to hang me up by my gills, but I promise it’s the truth. I thought I had bought two bottles of it (I almost always buy two bottles. one to drank, and one to keep for posterity), so I could prove this. But upon further inspection, I have gathered that I came home wasted one night and drank up every drop of hooch in the house… including my “keep” bottle of bloodwine.
Speaking of bloodwine, Vampire red wine useta have the slogan, “drink the blood of the vine”. Now it says, “eat a dick, you fatshit goth. your dumbass will buy anything that says vampire on it”.
Well, I’m paraphrasing a bit.
 
Unfortunately, Vampire wine isn’t from Transylvania anymore. Now it’s from North California, home of the legendary coven of vampire hippies. They drink the blood of the soybean.
 
There’s not much that can take the wind out of the sails of a Vampire wine like saying you’re from Northern California… instead of Transyl-frackin-mania. Well, maybe if you told people that you were now a “Contemporary Christian Republican Tea Party anti-Halloween Teetotalling Wine sans Alcohol Content” wine. Even then, if it was still called “Vampire”, stupid horror-fans like me would buy it.
 
Especially if it came in a boss case that was a coffin.
 
If you’re wondering what it tasted like, you’re barking up the wrong tree. My palate is about as refined as a Georgia bulldog’s.
All the bullmess that you always read on a wine bottle, “hints of pear, an aftertaste of oak, fruity aroma, finished with just a smidge of rat droppings” is completely lost on me. To be honest, I doubt if I could tell the difference between a fine wine like Wild Irish Rose and a bottle of piss from an old guy with a hernia.
 
And all you people out there who claim that you can taste every single flavor in every wine…
 
Quit lying. Seriously. We are all very impressed by how pompous you are, I can assure you. You don’t need to add to it. You are there already, Mr. Phantom of the Opera Costume at Dragon*Con.
I really don’t see how you can keep a straight face while telling me that you smell pomegranate and hickory in a merlot.
You realize that shit’s made from grapes, right?
I mean, if the wine was stored for 30 years in oak casks, I can see a little oak sneaking in there after midnight. That being the case, I think Wild Irish Rose probably has just a subtle hint of aluminum or asbestos. Which I find lends it a nice “completely unnatural and carcinogenic” aftertaste.
 
All kidding aside, the Vampire treated me right. It tasted smooth (it was a Cabernet. did I mention that?) and didn’t give me a hangover, which is really all I ask for from my booze.
 
I know that drinking is not strictly the province of fatasses. There were tons of Hardbodies at the party. But when you’re actively trying to lose weight, drinking a whole bottle of wine probably ranks up there with a good old-fashioned “Sweet Sixteen” powdered doughnut binge.
This is just the sort of hurdle that I need to challenge myself with, anyway. It’s things like “night out and no sleep” that can really derail a fitness plan.
 
The tasty taste I attribute to the vampire hippies. Why? Hippies probably know what a good wine should taste like… at least moreso than real vampires from Transylvania. Dracula himself even says, “I never drink…
 
…
 
…
 
…
 
…wine.”
 
Bram, you are clever. And here I thought you were just a one-hit wonder, doomed to terrible shows featuring Vanilla Ice and “Mo Rocca”, whoever the hell that is.
 
The vampires from Transylvania who useta make the wine probably retired because they realized the irony of making wine but never drinking it. It’s like a tattoo artist with no tattoos, it just doesn’t add up.
 
I like to picture the winemaking vampires as being really dapper, sophisticated, chaps. This is different from the normal vampires that I picture in my mind.
My normal vampire is a real badass when he needs to be, romantic, but not effeminate in the least, and possesses no interests that don’t feature drinking the blood of the innocent. What I mean by that is that my ideal normal vampire could do any number of things, but they are all just the means to an end. Your end, mwa ha ha. He could be taking up cross-stitching, but in the back of his mind it’s really just a way to get close to that hot cross-stitching chick he met at the bar.
 
 
These winemaking vampyres, on the other hand, have developed a hobby. The hobby of winemaking. They love winemaking, not because it helps them land slutty goth babes, but just for the sheer joie de vivre they derive from the process itself. Sure, they hunt the innocent, but that only takes up, what, an hour of the night? What’re they supposed to do for the other 7 hours or however long? A vampire’s idle hands are the devil’s something something.
But they gave it up. Maybe a bunch of Simon Belmonts came in there and whipped them to death (I love Castlevania, but how does a dude with a whip kill vampires? If this is possible, I see the next Indiana Jones sequel in the works now. Thanks, George Lucas, for ruining my life).
 
 
Monster Squad
 

Ghostbuster reference here

 
Please pause while I sing a lament for one of my favorite lost-genres of movies: the horror comedy.
 
If you grew up in the 80’s, there were numerous movies that you had to see, else your kid-credentials were instantly revoked.
One of them was the Goonies.
And another of them was the Goonies… with monsters. They called it “Monster Squad”.
 
If you were anywhere from the ages of 3 to 14 in 1987, and you don’t instantly recognize the phrase, “Wolfman has nards!!!” then just get outta my sight. Why are you even here? I think you should be over at fitforbeingacompletemaroon.com. Shoulda taken the ol left turn when you left 4chan.
 
For those of us who do know, and love, this little nugget of screenwriting platinum, “Monster Squad” reminded us that kids always know better than adults when it comes to saving their hometown. 
 
For a quick plot summary, the Monster Squad is a group of kids who get together and do frackin awesome stuff like talking about monsters, drawing monsters on their trapper keepers, and debating on the best way to murder werewolves (turns out, it’s a silver bullet! who knew?)
A bunch of classic monsters will soon be invading their town and only the Squad is aware of it, so it’s up to them to stop em! Luckily for them, an ancient book containing vital information on how to conquer bad guys is dropped off at their house by an old guy… whom we are never bothered with again.
 
This movie is one of the inspirations behind that flick “Super 8”, but “Super 8” is small potatoes compared to the Squad. I have no doubt that the Squad could kick those little “Home Movies” wanna-be’s’s’s asses. I’ve talked before about how kids in the 80’s were tougher than kids today, so I won’t get on that tirade again (just want to throw this out there: watch the first 20 minutes of E.T. if you don’t believe me), but I just wanted to say that, while the Super 8 kids ran from the alien, a kid from the Monster Squad kicked a werewolf in the balls and another one befriended Frankenstein! Take that, Spielberg!
 
A few years ago, I bought a bootleg of this movie offa eBay… they then promptly released a badass “more special features and info about the Monster Squad than you would ever want or need” version on digital disc video.
 
So don’t buy a bootleg.
And don’t kick a werewolf in the balls.
And don’t lie about being a virgin.
 
Then watch Monster Squad and remember how much more of a hardass you were when you were a kid.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Days Off & Night of the Demons

Posted on October 8, 2011 by bayoubabylon

I took yesterday off from the blog. Not sure if you noticed.

I gotta say, it felt good. I may start taking more days off. I think it would probably be better, in the long run, if I provided you all with quality content, instead of just posting every day out of some imagined obligation.

Quality over quantity and whatnot.

Thursday I did the Sleepy Hollow scene-by-scene breakdown and, I know I said this before, it took me literally all damn day. I woke up at 11am, started working on it, and didn’t get done until about 7:30pm. It was dinner time then, so I ate a little bite and went to bed… no exercising.

Thursday is usually “exercise at home” day. Meaning: treadmill, sit-ups, kettlebell (Vlad), and free weights. This exercise is vital to my routine because it’s the only weight-lifting I get that isn’t on a machine. I’ve said it before, but believe it or not, I’m no fitness expert.

I’m no expert, but I’m under the impression that lifting free weights, and working Vlad like a mugfug, really works out my “core” by helping me work on my balance. Vlad, in particular, is really good for the core because it works on my balance and it works a lot of muscles that don’t get worked out on the Trilogy of Terror.

I felt bad for skipping Thursday exercise, so Friday I went into the JFZ with trouble for the Whirly Bird on my mind.

I don’t know about you, but I always do the “manual” workout on the Bird. You have several options, most of them simulating either going uphill, downhill, or a mix of both. The “manual” setting lets you set the time and difficulty of your elliptic workout.

I cranked the difficulty up from where I’m usually at (I’m too embarassed to say what my normal setting is, but this was higher than that), and also added some time to my normal length (from 35 to 45 minutes). At the end of this 45 minutes, I felt like a stretched out rubber band. I had to take a serious break before heading downstairs to do the Trilogy.

Someone left me a comment on here when I first started that said that I should try to get up to working out for an hour, then increase the intensity from there.

If you’ll remember my first day, I did the Whirly Bird for 30 minutes and that was the most I could do in a day. Already, I’m up to 35-45 minutes on the elliptical and doing the Trilogy of Terror also. It doesn’t take long to start feeling better, either. I may not look any different, but I feel different. I have more energy, and a lot of that is also because I have a schedule now. When I have a schedule down, coupled with exercising, I feel great almost all day, and I’m ready to go to bed when it’s time to, so I can get up nice and early for the JFZ the next day.

Speaking of schedules, tomorrow I’m gonna be messed up. I have to attend a costume party, so I know I’ll end up getting home late and then having to wake up early tomorrow morning for work. The theme of the party is to “dress up as something/someone from your hometown” because most of the people there won’t be from here. I’m going as a generic “Mardi Gras Man”. No brainer.

Tonight I need something to drink. Anyone have any suggestions? What can I drink that won’t give me a bad hangover, won’t get me fat, and won’t turn me into a maniac? Water, right? I’m thinking wine right now, but not much because of the terrible hangover I get from wine (tannins? sulfites? brain worms? something…).

Night of the Demons

Angela is having a party… Jason and Freddy are too scared to come…

you are invited.

 
This picture used to scare me out of my wits. I couldn’t even look at it. I had nightmares as a kid just about this freakin cover… and I saw it every time I went into the corner video store. There was no way not to see it!
If you wanted to look at the case for “New York Ripper” that had the bare boobies on it, you had to venture into the horror section… and there would be Angela, waiting for me, inviting me to her Halloween party.
 
If just the cover scared me this badly, I could not even fathom how paralyzingly frightening the contents of this videotape could be…
 
I think there’s a remake of this, which is hard to believe. NOTD was made in 1988, so it’s not even that old. Plus, it wasn’t that popular, even back then, so where’s the usual built-in audience for this remake?
 
Doesn’t matter. Forget about all shitty remakes, because you won’t hear me praise any of them.
 
Like a lot of horror flicks in the 70’s and 80’s, this movie’s premise is “teenagers partying in the wrong place”. I wasn’t old enough in the 80’s to know this for sure, but I am certain that teenagers in the 80’s were only interested in finding new places to party and taking their clothes off. And making money. Aaaaand possibly a little amateur sorcery. Kids in the 80’s ruled.
 
The plot is this:
A group of teens, the youngest of whom is about 500 years old, break into an abandoned funeral home called “Hull House” (no doubt an homage to Shirley Jackson’s Hill House) to party on Halloween night.
 
They engage in a little improvised wizardry (for more evidence that kids in the 80’s loved this shit, I only need to direct you to either “Ghoulies” or “the Gate”), which accidentally wakes up some badass demons. The demons are demons in much the same way that the demons in the Lamberto Bava film “Demons” are demons. Once they possess someone, it’s contagious. So if you get bitten by a possessed person, you also turn into a rabid badger.
 
They never leave, for some reason. I honestly can’t remember if they are trapped in the house or if they are just a bunch of ignoranimooses. They are probably trapped, a la “Hell House”.
 
If you’re looking for blood, boobs, and some decent make-up effects, I recommend this movie. It’s got scream-queen Linnea Quigley in it, so you know you’ll get to see her naked, at least.
 
Plus, one of the things I love about this flick (and about Lamberto Bava’s “Demons”) is that, once things get started (and it doesn’t take long to set up this complicated plot, I can tell ya), they don’t let up until the end. I really miss these ultra-aggressive horror movies from the 80’s.
I mean, just look at this hellbeast…

that inverted cross earring! laugh out loud!

 
 
They don’t make em like that anymore. These days, Possessed Angela would look like a character in Silent Hill: all cgi and crazy limbs, walking on her back or something. That may have been shocking when the Exorcist did it (still is), but gimme a break with the cgi. These old-fashioned make-up effects really look great.
 
I think it was Tom Savini who said that his effects were “magic tricks”. And I like that.
 
So check out “Night of the Demons” and wish me luck for tonight (this good luck wish is two-fold: 1. I don’t drink too much. 2. I make it in to work tomorrow morning).

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Disney’s Legend of Sleepy Hollow Breakdown

Posted on October 6, 2011 by bayoubabylon

You hate Disney. I know that.

You may have good reasons to hate Disney. God knows, they’re out there.

You may not.

You may be in the middle.

But just let me share with you my passion for what, in my opinion, is the best thing Disney has ever done (besides the Haunted Mansion). Today, the daily “27 Days of Halloween” has busted down the door and has taken over the program… to the tune of over 100 screenshots from my favorite animated film of all time. As always, you can click on any of these pictures to make them really big, which I would suggest as this movie has some great imagery that should really be seen BIG.

The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad (1949)

the DVD case and background noise

I’m pretty sure that They (Disney) released a newer version last year. It may have even been on bluray. But this is the version I have. The Gold Collection edition. I think after this, they had the Platinum editions, and nowadays everything is the Diamond edition. Where does it all stop? I have no idea what could be after “Diamond”. Maybeee… ummmm… Dodo-bird egg. Edition.

Bing Crosby narrates the Ichabod section of the movie. “The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad” is what Disney called a “package film”. During this time period, they produced several of these type flicks, which were anthology-type movies. Most of them contained several stories (“Fun and Fancy Free”, “Make Mine Music”, etc.), but this one only has two.

But back to Bing. Bing Crosby really gives Ichabod his debonaire qualities. He can sing, for one thing, and he has such a great voice while narrating, throwing in that late 40’s wit like you see in a lot of Bugs Bunny cartoons.

It’s often hard in an animated film to know who to give the credit to, for their genius work. In this case, you have some really great animators working on this picture. Three of my personal favorites, Ward Kimball, Frank Thomas, and Ollie Johnston, all helped direct the animation in this film, which is a large part of where its “look” comes from. Though not pictured here, Marc Davis is also credited with some animation work. Marc Davis is one of the main guys who helped design the Haunted Mansion dark ride, so the look of this film is no surprsie there. If you haven’t seen it, I’d recommend the documentary “Frank & Ollie”, which is about Frank Thomas and Ollie Johnston, two animators who literally wrote the book on classic Disney animation.

Here we have the “real” directors, the guys who get the final say in what the picture looks like. I am under the opinion that Clyde Geronimi is mostly responsible for the stylized look of a lot of the film. His other work in Sleeping Beauty, Peter & the Wolf, and the Three Caballeros bear a resemblance to some of the more interesting shots in the Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad.

The opening shot of the movie is a close-up of this stained-glass window. It zooms in. We can see the picture clearly: a quill, a book, and a candle. This lets us know that we are in for something involving books, and probably classic books, given the candle and quill. The light is on and burning brightly, welcoming us inside to hear a tale or two.

The camera zooms across a nice, stately, proper library, presumably in someone’s home. Basil Rathbone, a Brit himself, is telling us about classic characters in English literature. He is helping us pick out a book, and finally decides on the Wind in the Willows.

Now, I love a good “talking animal” story as much as the next guy, especially a good pastoral, pagan tale like the Wind in the Willows (the book), but there are just better filmed versions than this. Check out the stop-motion one from the early 80s.

After the Wind in the Willows, Bing Crosby takes over narration duties, to tell us about classic characters from literature “over here in the colonies”. He also picks out a book…

As the story of Ichabod begins, we see a gangly shadow, loping across a field, on his way to his new position as head schoolmaster. I like to think that, since we see his shadow first, that this is foreshadowing of Ichabod’s ghost, telling us that his tragic spirit still roams the hills and hollows of upstate New York. In fact, at the end of the film we are even told that his spirit still roams around the area.

Here’s a first look at that magnificent shnoz. My dad claims that Ichabod looks exactly like a friend of his. We learn several things from this shot. First, that Ichabod is a bit of a scholar, paying more attention to books than to where he is going or where he is coming from. Also, from his meager pack, we know that he has few belongings and that he is most likely pretty poor. He is well-dressed though, so he enjoys taking care of his appearance, which may suggest that he is a little vain.

Ichabod entering the city limits…

As Ichabod glides on into town on those shovel-like feet of his, we get the first appearance of Brom Bones. In 1949, Davy Crockett was hugely popular, and Brom wearing the trademark coonskin cap here straight away lets us know that he is adventurous, gregarious, and possibly even a little reckless… but all in a good-natured sort of way.

In this scene, Brom rides up to his buddies, picks up a barrel of beer, breaks it open, and pours some for everyone… including the animals. And don’t give me any bullshit about it being “root beer” or “ginger beer”. This is clearly good, old-fashioned, American ale.

This was back before Disney turned into the namby-pamby, rudy-poo, bunch of P.C. teetotallers that they are today. A lot of Disney features back in these days featured alcohol use. Check out “Dumbo” if you don’t believe me.

Brom gets his first look at Ichabod through the crystal-clear bottom of his mug. Does this insinuate something involving the relationship between alcohol and whippin’ ass? Probably not.

Ichabod, confounding the local good ol boys…

Meanwhile, Ichabod, completely oblivious, saunters into town with his Jimmy Durante still poked into his book. The townspeople sing a charming tune, led by Bing, about Ichabod (“Whatta name! Kinda odd, but nice just the same!”) as he avoids walking under a ladder and crossing the path of a black cat. We now know that Icky (as Bing calls him) is not only studious, but highly superstitious as well (the old guys at work call guys like that “spooky” or “scary” or “jubous”, prnounced like “Jew Bus”. which is weird, to me.) He is the type who would not only believe in spooks like the Headless Horseman, but would be downright terrified of them, avoiding them at all costs. Brom does not see this though… yet.

Towards the end of the song, Icky helps a lady, who is carrying a head full of baked goods, out of a gate. This lets us know that Icky not only likes the ladies, but that he really likes to eat, as well. And if he can have both, well that’s all the better.

This is a whole scene where Ichabod is teaching class and is about to get on to a little boy. but the kid’s mom is a great cook, so he doesn’t. Instead, he goes over to the boy’s house for a “roast turkey” dinner, which he records here on his calendar as being “excellent”. We also see his other engagements, most of which involve women or food, of course. On Friday he teaches the ladies Choral Society…

And disturbs the peace…

Ladies love a fine baritone…

Brom is standing outside and gets a dog to howl, right when Icky nails the last note…

The ladies love it. Which sets up a recurring theme, that Brom’s attempts to foil Ichabod almost always backfire, prompting him to “up the ante” every time.

It is then that Katrina rides into town with her father, Baltus van Tassel, a wealthy local. Not only is Katrina hot as a firecracker, but she’s loaded too! I love the look of this horse right here, it’s so “Sleeping Beauty”.

Bosoms!

Katrina has a ton of suitors. Bing introduces her with a song in which he croons, “Once you have met, that little coquette, Katrina…” Do you know what a coquette is? These days we call them “players”.

We are shown, not told, that Katrina enjoys making all the men in Sleepy Hollow swoon over her, while they do every little thing that she wants. She has no intentions of courting any of them, but she does enjoy their attention and lapdog attitude.

In other words, she has turned every man in Sleepy Hollow the eff out.

Waist like a wasp, ass like a hoss…

What’s this? A man that she has not made subservient to her whims? Well, we must fix that…

Just a wink of the eye, an alluring turn of the mouth, and a wiggle of the bottom, and….

“Get back here!”

Ichabod is screwed.

He’s supposed to be having a picnic with this wildebeest (one of our kindred, brothers!), but his mind is on anything but roast turkey and strawberry cake and tea. This minor character, the fat broad (I call myself fat all the time, it’s cool), we’ll see again later.

nom nom nom nom nom…

Katrina’s got this sumbitch so turned around that he’s eating his hat and wearing a turkey! Now isn’t that something!

daydream believer

The next day, while Icky should be teaching, he’s dreaming of dating, and eventually marrying, Katrina. You’ll notice the role-reversal here between Icky and his class… now he’s the one goofing off.

there’s gold in them there fields, and I don’t mean hay

that barn’s a gold mine!!!

In the first few scenes, Icky pictures getting wealthy by marrying Katrina. We see that, although Ichabod is the protagonist of our tale, that he’s really no better than Katrina. He’s confident in his abilities to woo the women, and he plans to use them to get himself into the proverbial catbird seat.

smooch!

We see here that, even though most of the dream has been about Ichabod getting wealthy, he does have a soft spot for Katrina, also. So he’s not just about the dough.

To be honest, I don’t know how much this sort of gold-digging attitude was looked down on in American society in 1949. I have no idea if audiences would see this behavior as unethical or not, but it would be interesting to know. Any thoughts?

My lady…

In this scene, Katrina is shopping, as usual. Women be shoppin! She has a group of her lapdogs helping her carry her purchases… until Brom rides up and shoos them all away. Bing tells us that Katrina often wishes that a champion would “take the field openly” and oppose Brom Bones in winning her hand. Of course, Ichabod, being both confident and naive, is ready and willing to accept this challenge.

However, this is our first hint that Katrina still has no intentions of marrying anyone but Brom in the long run, she just enjoys playing mind games with Icky and the rest of the local bumpkins.

kidnapped!

Brom rides in and absconds with Katrina and all her tasty groceries (you just know a rich gal like her has some good stuff. like fancy cheeses and wine with a cork)

hot pursuit

Ichabod pursues Brom back to the van Tassel estate. Click on this picture and make it big. I really love this shot. It’s shots like this that make me love this film so much. Paintings that, if taken out of the context of the film, would make a great work of art to hang on your wall. This has kind of a “folk art” quality to it, which goes along with the rural setting of the entire story.

Once again, Ichabod bests Brom through using his wits, and gains entrance to Katrina’s home, where he pulls one of the oldest tricks in the book: giving her flowers that were in a vase near the stairs.

Have some of your own flowers!

What’s going on in there?

Katrina sees Brom peeking through the transom and decides to give him a show…

Teasing-a$$ minx

Check out Icky’s ponytail. The universal sign of arousal…

escape!

This has the intended effect and, while leaving, Brom tries to fight Ichabod. Icky, naturally, outsmarts Brom, causing him to put his fist through a tree! Brom gets this last look at Ichabod as he escapes almost certain death…

“Please come…” gnome sayin?

Ichabod receives an invitation to the van Tassel’s annual Halloween frolic. Hs invitation bears a special note, from Katrina herself!!! Ichabod interprets this as a marriage proposal. What other explanation could there be?

So he gets dolled up, borrows a horse named Gunpowder, and rides into the setting sun to meet Katrina on this lovely fall Halloween night…

“Gunpowder”! ha!

the Van Tassel Halloween Homestead!

Blow that picture up real quick. It is sooooo gooooood. I love the jack-o-lantern on the post outside. Once again, the use of the color blue lets us know that things are about to get real as a mofo round here…

dance party!

But first! A little fun….

Ichabod is shown as a masterful dancer, besting Brom on yet another field of battle. Our man here, Icky, is a cultured sort of chap, ya know.

Brom no like…

Brom sees this lonely soul, wallflowering it up, and has an idea. He thinks he can substitute our lady here with Katrina, leaving Ichabod dancing with Strawberry Shortcake, while he takes off with Katrina…

It works!!!

His plan works, but once again, Ichabod is too smart, or lucky, to be done in by such tomfoolery. In this shot, we see Ichabod has his hands full, while Brom dances away with the Katrina. Love the jack-o-lantern detail on the cupboard…

Icky wins again!

As I said, Ichabod finds a way to turn this to his advantage and comes out looking better than ever. The ladies all love him, which is good for his cause, because there’s nothing a woman like Katrina likes more than having the man that all the other girls want…

Unfortunately, Ichabod’s victory will be short-lived… as we approach the stroke of midnight, which is when old Baltus calls upon his guests to regale him with ghostly stories of Halloween…

the winds are changing for our hero…

Before the tales begin, Ichabod fixes himself a snack. He accidentally spills some salt, which he throws over his shoulder to prevent bad luck.

magick

Brom sees this act of superstition and realizes his chance to strike back at Ichabod… by telling the scariest story ever….

“Just gather round, and I’ll elucidate…”

“on what goes on out there, when it gets late…”

“and some don’t even wear their skin!”

This creepy old guy is creepy.

All of this is used to build suspense for the coming tale of the Headless Horseman…

watch out, Icky…

“Well, when the spooks have a midnite jamboree…”

“they break it up with fiendish glee…”

Brom really lays it on thick, directing every word and motion straight into poor Icky’s superstitious heart.

We get a bit of the lore behind the Headless Horseman here. Basically, he doesn’t have a head, so he wants yours. But if you make it to the other side of the bridge, he can’t follow. (as a side note, it’s an old superstition that evil spirits can’t cross running water)

“the Headless Horseman needs a head!”

Allow me to demonstrate how he plans to acquire one…

I didn’t show it here, but there is a shot at the end of Brom’s musical tale where Katrina is laughing at Ichabod’s reaction to the story, showing that she enjoys seeing Icky scared out of wits.

After the story, it is time to make the long ride home. Alone….

“He’s down in the holler there…”

Ichabod Crane enters the holler…

…to say that he’s a bit nervous would be an understatement.

Whistling past the graveyard…

Whistling will do you no good, Ichabod. The fates have determined your destiny. And now, even the very environment itself is closing in on you…

this spook turns out to be a tree.

even the crickets sing his fate…

and an owl lets Icky know that he is doomed…

Nature and the very earth seem to have turned on Ichabod. The suspense builds and builds, until he finds himself in an old graveyard…

shhh…..

Whats that sound, Icky??? Galloping hooves??? Is it the Horseman?

No, it’s just cattails, driven by the wind to beat on a hollow log…

Open your eyes, Ichabod, it’s just cattails, silly…

haha! just cattails! I thought it was the Horseman!!!

Gunpowder and his rider enjoy a brief respite from the suspense and share a laugh at Ichabod’s stupidity…

BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!! YAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!!!!

A MANIACAL LAUGH SHATTERS THE NIGHT!!!!

…………….

Oh snap… is it? is it?

It IS!!!!!

THE RACE IS ON!

up, up, and awaayyyy…

I really like how they let him go out of frame for just a second…

Gimme that head!!!

Look out, Ichabod!

The suspense is gone, replaced by a pulse-pounding chase scene between the Horseman and Ichabod Crane. You can’t see it in this shot, but the Horseman is between Icky and the bridge.

the move. stop short.

There are tons of little gags throughout this chase sequence. They would be impossible to document here. But this is a good one…

The two collide….

pardon me…

And Icky gets a good look at that empty hole, really getting that shnoz down in there….

…which the Horseman thinks is hilarious

the path to the bridge is clear, Ichabod!!! Go go go!!!

did I make it????

Ichabod makes a fatal mistake here. He stops. 

Note to self: when running from a murderous ghost… don’t stop.

he rares back…

…and here’s the pitch!!!!!!!!

HOMERUN!!!

Icky is knocked outta the ballpark! You’ll recognize this shot (the flaming punkin), as Tim Burton paid homage to it in his version starring Jack Sparrow.

all that’s left of poor, tragic Ichabod Crane…

Epilogue:

Brom marries Katrina shortly thereafter, which we all figured was coming whether Ichabod was around or not.

It’s interesting that they hide their faces when they kiss. I guess that would have been indecent or something. Plus we don’t want to see Brom and Katrina kissing, while Ichabod is off in the spirit world with giant chickens and headless horsemen.

smooch, again!

Of course, the ending that we all want to believe as a child is this one: That ol’ Icky left the Holler and went and married a wealthy widow and ate tons of food and had tons of big-nosed kids…

mini-Ickies

But really, the ending that deep down we know is the truth, is this one…

“YAA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!!!!”

I think Bing even says that all the “old settlers” knew that Icky had been “spirited away” by the headless horseman.

our library is filled with things by “ghost writers” mwa ha ha…

The ending zooms out of the library, back outside to the window, with the light lit…

…but not for long…

This little threatening tidbit at the end (the light going out) is just the right coda for the frighteningly funny tale of Ichabod Crane. Bing says, “Man, I’m gettin’ outta here…”

The End. Is there really any question that things went downhill after Walt died? I mean, seriously.

You can watch this whole film on youtube, but I would suggest purchasing it because it’s a timeless classic, and you want to see all these wonderful shots both big and in some decent definition.

The real question is, Was it Brom Bones in a costume? Or was it the Horseman for real??? The book is fairly ambiguous, but I do like to think that it’s hinted at that the Horseman is real and that Ichabod was murdered by him. Lots of people want to talk about the hints that suggest that it was Brom (same horse, same knife, etc.), but I choose to believe that Ichabod met a tragic end at the hands of a ghost.

Ok, so I promised yesterday that this would be big. I hope it delivered on your end, because on my end it took ALL FRACKIN DAY. Mostly because I’m not good at computers. Oh well…

So I’m taking tomorrow off from the blog, since this was an all-day event. I hope you enjoyed it, and I hope you’ll share it with your friends whom you think might enjoy it!

Happy Halloween and I’ll see you all back here Saturday!

(((edit: I realize some of the pics are not working properly sometimes. try to refresh your window a few times. I used over 100 screenshots for this post, so I’m sure it’s just a problem on wordpress’s end. I’ve done all I can through editing this post several times, like even re-uploading the pictures. It seems that sometimes they all work, and sometimes they don’t. IE sucks, btw. I know you know that.)))

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