Fitnessing 2012 or, How to Survive Mardi Gras and not gain loads of weight!

212 Days Until Dragon*Con 2012….

This is it, folks. The final countdown. Well, not really. But this is the final day of January. So if you were counting down the days to February, THIS IS IT!!! If you haven’t gotten in all of your JFZ tokes for January, today is your last day to do so.

January is definitely a weird time for any gym member. I have often compared the JFZ to the African Savanna. If that analogy is true, then the JFZ in January is more like the Cretaceous Age right before the meteor hit. The dinos are running amok! And the mammals, including myself and the lions, are hiding out, heads down and mouths shut.

January is a Catch-22, in a way. For me, it’s inspiring to see a bunch of fatties in the gym, knocking out those New Year’s resolutions with the one-two punch of a leisurely stroll on the treadmill, coupled with chilling out on the workout machines. But seriously, new faces in the gym means more people taking fitness seriously, more shoulders to lean on when we need it (i.e. more accountability), and less stereotypical “Fat Americans” and, more specifically, less stereotypical “Fat Southerners”.

At least, theoretically. Because the flip side of that is this: If these tubbies (as one of them, I can say that) are just going to quit a month from now, they should just go ahead and get the hell out of here and quit hogging up all my gym tokes. Sweating up the sit-down push-up simulator and not wiping it down and whatnot.

Let’s face it: we all want to pull up to the gym and find it completely empty, right? It’s ok to admit it. That’s why the rich folk have “home gyms” (I am assuming these actually exist and are not just some crazy middle-class myth about the rich).

We all want to bust up in the gym and feel completely uninhibited in our fitnessing. We want to sing along real loud to our bad workout mixtapes, we want to do goofy dances when we do something good, we want to do victory laps when Eye of the Tiger comes on our ipods. But as long as we are visiting our local JFZ, that’s never gonna happen… especially in January when the dinos are frantically searching for their niche in the prehistoric, dino-eat-dino world that my JFZ savanna has become in the past month. I can’t help but picture all these new dinos scrambling around and yelling and being obnoxious while the meteor (aka a heart attack) looms large in the sky, blotting out the sun.

What will February bring? Everyone wants to be in shape for Valentine’s Day so they can make sweet dinolove all night long.

I hafta be honest, I’m hoping that the JFZ will calm down and the people who are serious about getting fitfordragoncon will settle in, find themselves a routine that works for them, and for God’s sake, learn a little gym etiquette.

Also come February, Mardi Gras will really get swingin! Which brings me to the next point:

How to Survive Mardi Gras and Not Get Fat as Hell

Sure, I could tell you, “Just stay home. Don’t drink, don’t eat rich foods, etc.”

But then you wouldn’t be celebrating Mardi Gras, now would you?

During Mardi Gras, like Christmas and other times of the year when indulgence is a perennial part of the celebrating, it is important just to think about what you are doing. In other words, when out doing your revelries, you must be in Damage Control mode. What does that mean?

1. Instead of drinking 500 beers, drink 400. Naw, but seriously. What should a fella who is trying to get fit drink? No, not water you teetotaling bitch. Men’s Health says that we should drink wine.

For forever, when trying to lose weight, I would switch to hard liquor (gin and tonic being my traditional Mardi Gras drink of choice for some reason). Turns out, hard liquor is not good for you (who knew?).

Wine, for one thing, has more alcohol than beer, which is both good and bad, for obvious reasons. But white wine, in particular, has flavoids, little flavor crystals that burn fat like a blowtorch through something melty.

I made that up.


Anyway, wine is apparently better for you than beer or liquor, especially white wine… for a reason that I can’t remember. And since drinking white wine is a lady thing, I’m sticking to red. Or Miller Lite.

2. Just say no to King Cake, Moonpies, etc. There is no way you will make it through Mardi Gras without indulging yourself somehow. No worries. You have 40 Days after Mardi Gras to make up for it, before a mansize rabbit brings you cream-filled chocolate eggs, damn his stinky matted hide.

King Cake is bad for you. There are no two ways around that. If I had to guess, and I don’t, I would say that King Cake is probably worse for you than anything else you may eat during Mardi Gras.

For one thing, here are the three main ingredients in a good King Cake: butter, sugar, cream cheese. Which of these things does not belong in fitfordragoncon? D: ALL OF THE ABOVE.

I guess the point is, moderation in all things, as usual. You’re (i.e. “I”) going to drink beer, just try not to drink too much of it. You’re going to eat bad stuff, just get a half size po’boy instead of the full. And I’m going to party like it’s 12 zillion B.C. and the meteor is ten feet from striking right outside my window.

(l-r) Bert, Clarence, & Lawrence have about 10 seconds until total annihilation. Oh, the things left undone!

This entry was posted in About Fitness, About Me, General dorky shit. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Fitnessing 2012 or, How to Survive Mardi Gras and not gain loads of weight!

  1. Juggernaut says:

    I keep meaning to celebrate Mardi Gras and visit my family out in the Big Easy, but damned if I don’t wind up broke that time every year lol. So there’s how I avoid it. I buy a ticket to MegaCon and enjoy a low-budget geek-out instead, spend a long weekend walking and get my cardio out of cute cosplayers.

    Another thing I tend to do with some success is re-brand some of the most notorious weight-gaining holidays. Instead of partaking in the many feasting and indulgence aspects, I try to convert them into fitness-related holidays in my own mind. I lost weight over thanksgiving and christmas by simply deciding that the spirit of those holidays was best expressed in the gym, lol. The way I figure it, if you’re trying to just maintain, you’ll inevitably slip and gain a couple pounds. *But* if you make it your goal to *lose* 10 pounds in February, and you slip up and only lose 5, then you still lost 5 frakking pounds during Mardi Gras! How sweet would that be?

    As for the NYR dudes hogging the gym equipment, well, give em a chance. They dont all fail, and maybe 10% will stick it out and actually use this as a jumping-off point for a real change in their lives. The rest of them will go back to their beer and pizza, sedentary lifestyles wondering what could have been. The rest of us will be enjoying the fruits of our labors. And cosplayers. Lots and lots of cosplayers 😀

    • Well, like I mentioned, I find the new dinos to be a Catch-22. I’m glad they’re there, but I wish they would learn a little gym etiquette.

      And I LOVE your idea about how to stay fitfordragoncon throughout the Mardi Gras season. I will make it my goal to LOSE weight during Mardi Gras!!! I think this will entail working out twice as hard as normal (which I did today, actually), being as I’m drinking twice as much beer.

      Mardi Gras is a great time of year, and it is, of course, free to enjoy. Although MegaCon, I’m sure, is flippin’ awesome also.

      • Juggernaut says:

        Oh Mardi Gras is most certainly free to enjoy…provided that you live in LA and can just walk outside into the revelry. But for those of us not in the area, it would entail a road trip, time off from work, hotel or other rental, and a lot more eating out than we’d like since we’re losing weight. It’s one of those things I’ve always wanted to go to, but have never actually done because for some reason, I always end up broke or otherwise inconvenienced at this time of year.

        I’ll totally agree on the point that the “new dinos” needing to learn some gym etiquette. You can’t even step in to offer some friendly advice or give em pointers on their form. On average, they’re pretty defensive since they feel so awkward being in the gym for the first time in ages, and a lot of them seem to psych themselves up so that they can chew out any “roided out meat heads” that try to help them. It is so weird to think that I’ve gotten fit enough that people have started referring to me in that manner. Just plain freaky.

      • Point taken. Mardi Gras, despite the parades being free to attend, is expensive for everyone involved. Even a lot of locals will get hotel rooms for their favorite parades, just so they don’t have to drive home drunk.

        I also want to take this opportunity to apologize for the recent lack of new content. Mardi Gras is a very busy time of year. Between work and certain Mardi Gras “obligations”, and eating like a total boeuf gras, I haven’t had much time for fitnessing, much less blogging about it and my stall in progress towards my fitnessing goals.

  2. 1148BucksX2 says:

    And the third one said, “Well, I shall finish the game…..”

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