I’ve said it before, but here it is again anyway: reviews have got to be the lowest form of bloggery. Everybody thinks their opinion of something is so damn important.
Well, for a change, mine is not. My opinion sucks and I suck, so there ya go. If you want to read two reviews for two holiday themed beverages, be my guest. Continue on, just know that I think my opinions are bad and come from a person with no discernible taste whatsoever. I have stated before that my palate is as distinguished as a Georgia bulldog’s, so take these reviews with a shot.

It is no secret that I am a sucker for themed stuff. Half the posts on this blog center around themey shit. In fact, “geeky” could easily be defined as its own theme.

The way I see it, I’m not a sucker though, I just like to embrace the different times of year and everything they have to offer. Give me those cheesy Christmas carols. Give me the candy corns at Halloween and the re-runs of Treehouse of Horror. I want to blow shit up and eat loads of meat on the 4th of July.

In other words, I just want to do it.

I know you are like me. You want to do it, too.

Here are two drinks that will help you do it.

#1. Sam Adams “Merry Mischief” Gingerbread Stout

This is one uh dem “big beers”. The ones that they charge you out the ass for. I have no clue how much these are normally everywhere else, but this one was $7. That is $7 for what amounts to be, basically, two beers. While this may be a steal at your local watering hole, the ambience of my living room does not command exorbitant prices for holiday beer, no matter how themey it may be.

Still, they are 9% alcohol, so it’s almost like drinking 4 beers. And if you are a glutton like me, it’s like drinking 4 beers really fast.

The flavor is about what you would expect: heavy on the gingerbread and the stout. You would definitely get a similar effect from drinking a Guinness and eating a gingerbread man at the same time.

How lame of a review is that? I basically just said what it says right on the bottle, but at least you can’t get Sam Adams for false advertising.

It makes a massive head, I can tell you that. I overflowed the first two mugs I poured this stuff in.

Really, you’re in it for the label. Three gingerbread men on a sled. I have never been on a sled like this, being as it has never snowed enough here to use one, and in the rare circumstances when I have been somewhere where there is a ton of snow, no one has one of these toboggans lying about for my use and enjoyment.

It looks like fun, though, except for the one in the back who has broken his arm, or leg. He looks dismayed at this result of winter frolic.

On the back of this bottle, it said “Batch #1”. I kept a full bottle of it for posterity. Maybe some dope will buy it in 10 years, thinking it is worth some money, like I bought that beat up first issue of Punisher, only to find out later that it was worth a grand total of about 50 cents. Enough to purchase 3/4 of a granola bar from the vending machine at work, if it worked that way.

I am guessing that this “Batch #1” is a trick of some sort. Perhaps it is the “mischief” mentioned on the front label. Getting people to buy it, thinking it is rare, when every bottle of Merry Mischief has had this printed on it since 1992, the heyday of Color Me Badd, before they were lame and way before they were ironically cool to name drop in some geek loser’s blog.

#2. Evan Williams “Peppermint Chocolate” Egg Nog

I know it is tacky to leave the prices on Christmas gifts, but I did it anyway. Partly because I thought that was a decent deal, but mostly because I am lazy and just wanted to open the fridge and snap a pic of it sitting there, chilled out and thickening up to the consistency of cake frosting.

Despite my girth, I do not care too much for sweets. I didn’t get fat on cakes on pies, I got fat on meat and potatoes. Or rather, chicken wings and beer. And pizza.

I have mixed feelings about the “egg nog with the booze already in it” that you see in liquor stores this time of year.

For one, I don’t trust it. How can they leave bottles of cream and raw eggs, mixed with bourbon, out on the shelves??? It seems like it would get too hot, or the bourbon would curdle it or something. It all sounds like a food poisoning lawsuit waiting to happen, and I’d hate to see Evan Williams standing next to the Twinkie Kid in the unemployment line.

For two, it is never as good as you think it will be, or as good as you hope it will be. I’ve bought numerous bottles of this stuff over the years, and they never get finished. They usually end up sitting in the fridge, half empty, until March when I finally can own up to the fact that Christmas is over and isn’t coming back, no matter how long I keep a bottle of rancid, eggy, booze milkshake in my refrigerator.

It just doesn’t taste that good, honestly. I would not have bought this bottle if it wasn’t a variety I have never seen before: Peppermint Chocolate, the Grand Poobah of Christmas flavors.

Peppermint Chocolate Egg Nog has got to be the most Christmas-y grocery item I have ever seen. There is nothing about it that isn’t Christmas.

Let’s review these ingredients:

1. Peppermint. Mint is Christmas. Why? Who the fuck knows. My guess is that mint and cold go together, like in the York Peppermint Patty commercials. I also don’t think I have ever seen a stocking on Christmas morning that did not have some sort of mint product in there somewhere. Preferably the soft Leo brand sticks, if Santa is reading this shit.

2. Chocolate. Sweet stuff is also Christmas. I do not like chocolate, but it seems like I am in the vast minority. Chocolate only realizes its full Xmas potential when paired with mint. Alone, chocolate and mint are all-year flavors, but when their powers are combined, they form an unstoppable force of Christmas consumerism! Like the Devastator of the seasonal aisle at the drug store.

3. Egg Nog. Only available at Christmas time. My mom would only let us have a tiny bit at a time (we never got junk food), so one time I saw my sister buy a carton of it and chug it in about 3 minutes flat, vomiting immediately after. Lesson learned.

I actually prefer a beverage called “Boiled Custard” to Egg Nog, but no one around here has Boiled Custard, which is probably for the best, anyway.

Speaking of egg nog, there is only one brand of egg nog that will forever be the only one in my mind:

stole this one from the internet.

Since the Evan Williams egg nog is clearly not the Barber’s egg nog, it will never hold a special place in my Christmastime memories, and must be cast aside into the lake of fire. Or my trash can.

The flavor of the Evan Williams Peppermint Chocolate Egg Nog? Just what you would expect. Perhaps a little more “chemically” tasting that I expected, but otherwise it tastes mostly like mint, egg nog, and cheap bourbon. The chocolate flavor is not as pronounced.

And it gets ultra-crazy thick in the refrigerator. In fact, its main use until I can, hopefully, drink it all is now “fancy Christmas coffee creamer”. It makes a nice toddy to have on the way to work, if you work in the morning. Which I do not.

Those are my reviews and they were terrible. Thanks for reading them anyway, even though you could have gotten the same information from the labels on the drinks themselves.