More JFZ Ecosystem Studies & Cat People

Posted on October 5, 2011 by bayoubabylon

330 Days Until Dragon*Con 2012…

Actually, it’s about 329 as far as I’m concerned, since we plan on getting to Atlanta early on Thursday and getting our badges asap, then walking around and enjoying the atmosphere.

I heard that this year the line for getting your badge was not that bad, due to their new way of registering people. I know when we went in 2010, it took us about 6 hours to get through the line! It wasn’t that bad, we had a friendly neighborhood Ghostbuster to chat with, who wore his work clothes to stand in line for his badge. He must have just gotten off a hot case. Maybe at 1313 13th Street.

The JFZ today was fairly normal. I don’t have a central COC yet, but I do have a few: Birdshit Hair, Lumpy, Afro Puff. As you can see, my names are not that creative. In fact, they’re pretty much just descriptions of these people’s most prominent characteristics. I’m sure you can imagine what they all look like, just from hearing the descriptions.

I get the impression that the COC upstairs, where all the cardio devices are, is different from the COC downstairs, which is where all the weightlifting machines are. I don’t just mean that there are different people in each environment, I figure that much is obvious, but the entire vibe is different. I think the reason for this is because the people upstairs usually have in headphones, so they are in their own world. Their own sweaty, stinky, breathing hard, world.

The people downstairs, well…. it’s more like a bro-down.

What I mean is, the upstairs people don’t really talk to each other, but the people under the stairs really get down with each other. I mean, really get down. Sometimes while on the Trilogy of Terror machines, I feel like I just crashed a party that is for bro’s only. And since I’m not a bro, then I’m an interloper.

However! I get the feeling that, if I keep going, and the lions get used to me being there, that they’ll eventually get used to me and, possibly, even invite and/or accept me into their pride. (All this Wild Kingdom talk is a reference to an earlier blog about the gym ecosystem, which I’ll link to right now).

See, the lions are not disturbed by the presence of a lone wildebeest, brazenly striding into their territory to use their Trilogies of Terrors. They are not bothered at all by this, because they know that if the wildebeest does anything they don’t like (like talks to the she-lions, drinks their water, or yacks on the workout floor) that they can just eat him up at a moment’s notice.

They act like the wildebeest isn’t even there, in other words. Sure, they may look at him funny, or even talk amongst themselves (“Why is that wildebeest here?” “What does he want?” etc.), but the wildebeest is, definitely, not part of the pride. The wildebeest slowly works his trilogies of terrors, always keeping a weather eye on changing temperatures on the savanna (and I’m not just talking Fahrenheits and Celsiuseses here, folks).

Where the JFZ ceases to be the African savanna, and turns into a place where primitive humans can pay money to simulate work, is that a wildebeest can, eventually, be welcomed into the pride.

What must a wildebeest do, you ask, to become part of the elite squad of lions?

Step 1: wildebeest must be there every day, proving to the lions that he is not scared of them, nor of their complicated fitnessing units. Wildebeest must have drive, determination, and the eye of the tiger to, first and foremost, keep the lions from eating him immediately on sight.

Step 2: wildebeest must NOT disrupt the order of nature. This includes, but is not limited to, making a bunch of racket (with the ToT machines), breathing loud, taking a nap on the workout floor (i.e. passing out), wearing stupid clothes to the gym (jeans, loafer shoes, that shirt you have with “Pitfall” on the front), etc. The cardinal rule though, is to NEVER attempt to engage a lion in conversation without being prompted. And do not embarrass yourself. The lions will flee the scene if you yack or fall down (my two biggest fears while in the gym).

Eventually, by following these rules, it is inevitable that one of the lions will give you a friendly, “Good morning!” If it is late afternoon, this does not count because the lion who said this to you is probably crazy as a shithouse rat and has already been expelled from the pride and is wandering around aimlessly, searching for new pals… even a *gulp* wildebeest.

When this initial contact is made with the lions, wildebeest must give a polite, but curt, “Good morning” in return. No more, no less. You do NOT immediately spill your guts to this lion, words spilling out of your mouth unrestrained, like a garage full of dogs when their owners get home from vacation. This will frighten the lion, and startle it. A startled lion is dangerous as he could easily eat you, or at least call the other lions over for a good olde fashioned wilde-beatdown (please forgive me).

Continue following step 1 and 2. It will not be long before the lions get so used to you being there, that they will all be “Good morning”-ing you.

Once this happens, invariably one, or more, lions will approach you and want to say something besides pleasantries. Do not fear, wildebeest! You are only wilde-butthairs from being accepted! It is now that you must not fail in letting your future workout buddies know, through body language and words, that you are not scared of simulating work, nor are you frightened that they may tear your flabby wildebeest self limb-from-limb.

Lions can be cunning, and will use deception to expose the wildebeest’s weaknesses, so be on your guard. While one is talking to you (standing over you while you are in a submissive position, sprawled out on the JuJu Press), be aware that there are probably more lions that you don’t see. Frightening, I know.

If you remain calm, and stand your ground, the more you keep following steps 1 and 2, the more like the lions you will become, eventually changing over completely. But we can’t forget our roots, or what it is like to be wildebeest, or we may never reach fitness enlightenment.

Why do we care what the lions think? Who gives a crap about being accepted into a pride?

The wildebeest who does not want to be eaten.

27 Days of Halloween…

“27 Days of Halloween” is not a countdown, if you were wondering. It is the title of the mini-column. A mini-column counting down the days until Halloween.

Today we will watch “Cat People”.

Choose your destiny

I got “Cat People” as part of the Val Lewton box set that I got a few weeks ago. Apparently, someone made a remake in the 80’s, but I never saw it. I have no doubt that it sucks.

Ok, the plot of “Cat People” should be pretty familiar to anyone who has dabbled in genre fiction before.

The main character, a lovely young woman (played by Simone Simon, both in this and in the sequel) named “Urina” (I swear that’s what it sounds like they are saying), has a fear that, when aroused by passion (either in the throes of love, or in rage), she may turn into a panther. Due to this fear, she is a recluse… until she meets a lovely young fella named Kent (played by Oliver Reed).

There’s some stuff about a curse, and some romance stuff, but really the plot moves along fairly swiftly. Like a lot of old movies, one minute Urina and Kent meet, the next minute they’re married… but not “doin it” because Urina is scared that she’ll turn into Cheetara and eat her husband up like a can of sardines. Clearly, this leads to problems in the marriage, so Kent turns to his ladyfriend coworker for counsel.

I think you can see where this is going…

(((possible spoiler here))) I don’t think you ever really find out if Urina turns into a panther or not, but to me it was obvious that she did. I never could tell if you were supposed to not know. Kent never realizes that she really can turn into a jungle cat and just thinks she’s crazy, so I think that maybe the audience was supposed to see it from his point of view, even though I’m certain that she is some sort of werecat motherfucker.

(((end spoiler)))

Where this movie succeeds is in the suspense, which is what I think most early horror films were based on. Hitchcockian suspense, ya know? Classic.

It also has some beautiful cinematography, which I credit to French director Jacques Tourneur. It is a classic film noir, which just means that it uses shadows and contrast to great effect in the film, and also has some “adult situations” involved.  Personally, I always associate film noir with gangster movies, but when applied to thriller flicks like this, it seems a natural fit.

The most famous scene is the pool scene. The other bottom of our love triangle, Alice, goes to a hotel for a swim in the pool. The pool is in the basement, and she is alone… or so she thinks.

"Who... Who... Who's there???"

Check out the fear in those eyes! We can all imagine the helpless feeling of being in a pool in the basement of a hotel… and a prowling jaguaro is on the hunt… for you! All we get are some low growls and lots of shots like this next one…

What's that shadow????

This is the closest we get, in this scene, to seeing the panther. We see shadows moving along the walls, semi-hidden by the patterns of the reflections of the water in the pool… and nothing else. Brilliant!

I know this goes without saying for most of you, but one of the things that I hate MOST about films today is that they feel like they must spoon-feed their audience all the information about every single thing in the movie. This insinuates that the filmmakers think we are stupid, and we are not and I refuse to be treated as such! /rant

Val Lewton was a producer who made a ton of great movies, and the studios loved him because he could spin gold out of the strands of a shoestring budget. He certainly succeeded in Cat People, and that’s why I chose it for inclusion in our “27 Days of Halloween” marathon…

Also, for those of you who really like this plot device…

There is a “Tales from the Darkside” episode called “Black Widows” which is pretty much the same thing, but with spiders instead of cats. I think it’s on youtube.

OH! ALSO, ALSO… I promised something big for tomorrow. Here’s a hint at what it’s going to be…

Midnight Jamboree!!!

Posted in About Dragon*Con, About Fitness, About Media | Leave a comment

Your D&D Alignment & Slumber Party Massacre COLLECTION!!!

Posted on October 4, 2011 by bayoubabylon

331 Days Until Dragon*Con 2012…

331 days to go, and it’s been 3 weeks since I started this website and started trying to whip my flabby ass into shape… and yesterday saw the most traffic ever on fitfordragoncon.com. I tell ya, friend, it makes a fella want to write “Dragon*Con” and “Hotel” into the title of every post.

If any of you who discovered this site yesterday are back, then welcome! There were a ton of you, though no one left any comments except for a nice guy who wanted to let me try some penis enlargement pills for FREE. Thanks for the offer bro, but I’ve had enough.

Right off the bat, we’re going to dive into a question that nerds the world over have pondered and scratched their chins about for eons….

What is my alignment???

This question is one that we’ve all thought about (I’m assuming), but was recently asked by a friend of mine on the facebook.

If you have never played D&D before, and have no clue what an “Alignment” is, then I can go ahead and tell you that, in this instance, Alignment has absolutely nothing to do with wheels or cars. That might never have crossed your mind, but remember that I live in the South, where everything is related to either cars or guns.

Alignment just means your personality. Are you a good guy? Are you a dastardly villain tying girls to train tracks? Do you work for the forces of order… or do you sometimes do things to purposefully disrupt the order?

This comes into D&D because your character, the character that you “role play” in this “role playing game”, must act according to whatever alignment you choose for him/her. If you don’t, it could have grave consequences for your little Rambo or whatever your warrior’s name is. You know, the one with the vorpal sword. Many DM’s do not enforce this too terribly much (we never did, though I think that, if it came down to it, all of our characters would have been Chaotic Evil).

If you’ve ever wondered what your RL alignment is….

Well, it’s time to find out.

Before we go any further, you must TAKE THIS TEST.

I’m waiting.

Still waiting…

Ok, are you done? What’d ya get?

First off, all the Lawful Good people, GTFO. Seriously. As Joker says, “Decent people shouldn’t live here… they’d be happier someplace else.”

Before I divulge what I am, I wanted to copy and past a bunch of info from that site. “Talent imitates, genius steals” and whatnot, right? Clearly these are not the actions of a Lawful Good maniac.

It’s important to know what these Alignments mean, and what they say about your character. This test is far from infallible, but it is fun to see what the internet thinks your alignment might be. It also makes me wonder how many more times I’m going to have to type out “alignment” for this post, and how many more times I’m going to misspell it.

Lawful: A lawful person does, as you would imagine, what the law requires. While this “law” may not technically be the “laws” as we think of them in our society, it usually does mean the same sort of things: honesty, honor, obedience to authority figures.

A “lawful good” person would be someone who honors the law of the land and can’t stand to see a guilty person go free. They are someone who will do good at any cost. They would be someone who would gladly go to war if they thought it was the right thing to do and that guilty parties were out there and needed to be punished, regardless of the consequences.

“Lawful neutral” would be a more rational person than the “lawful good” people out there. I always think of “lawful neutral” people as that rare beast that we all hear about, but never seem to see: a good cop.

A “lawful evil” person does exist, but they may be even more rare. A “lawful evil” person does what they want, but it must fit into their own moral code. Two good examples of this are Chigurh in “No Country for Old Men” or Daniel Plainview in “There Will Be Blood”. Both of these characters take what they want, but yet still have very strict principles, but these principles are their own.

Chaotic: A chaotic person is going to do what they want, when they want. This may sound great, but it can sometimes lead to trouble when the character is reckless or abandons a quest in order to do something that seems completely random. A Chaotic person will oftentimes carry a deep resentment for authority.

“Chaotic good” people do what they think is good, with little to no regard for the consequences. This could include helping a prisoner, whom they think is innocent, escape from prison. A chaotic good person would be more like the superheroes that we see in comics. Or at least like the Punisher or something like that.

“Chaotic neutral” are the free spirits. The true hedonists, who do what they want at any time and follow no sort of code but their own. They are great people, as long as you are going along with their program, but can be dangerous when they seek to purposefully disrupt the order of things.

“Chaotic evil” means that you would make a fine supervillain. Like Heath Ledger’s Joker in the Dark Knight, you intentionally disrupt society for your own amusement and personal gain.

So what are you? What am I? I finished with a score of Chaotic Neutral, which definitely reflects my desire to be free, above all other things. However, I rarely disrupt things on purpose… unless Johnny Walker tells me to.

I would really like to see some folks share what their alignment is, either below in the comments section, or on the FFD*C facebooks. If you want more information on alignments, you can go back HERE, or pick up some D&D books off of eBay.

27 Days of Halloween…

Slumber Party Massacre COLLECTION!!!

Why is COLLECTION in big, bold letters? Because these classics of horror cinema were, for a long time, out of print, and now, seemingly out of the blue, all THREE “Slumber Party Massacre” movies are available in one set! And for less than $20!!! Whoever is putting out these “Roger Corman’s Cult Classics” collections should be given some sort of film Medal of Honor. I doubt it’s Corman himself, although that old huckster certainly has a way of selling bullshit to the masses.

These movies, although almost unheard of nowadays (stupid kids and your internets), the Slumber Party Massacre movies, were staples of the mom-and-pop video rental shoppes of the mid-80’s. You would go into these places, and your neighbor would be sitting behind the counter smoking a cigarette, and there could possibly be a hot bar with tater wedges and chicken somewhere in there. Dirty carpet, the smell of cigarettes and old burned coffee, and rows and rows of nasty, dirty, flicks that you’d never find at the local Blockbuster (which we didn’t even have at the time).

The really nasty ones would be in great big boxes, much bigger than the box that a hit like Top Gun would be in, as though it contained not only a copy of John Eastland as the Exterminator, but also all of the vice and sin that a dirty little hole-in-wall video store could muster.

And there it would sit, beckoning my borderline-pubescent mind with promises of tits and blood, right between “Last Orgy of the Third Reich” and “Nude for Satan”…

COLLECTION!!! I still can't believe it.

Slumber Party Massacre.

Released in 1982, and billed as the first “feminist” slasher flick, Slumber Party Massacre knew what sold. Boobs and blood… which it delivered. It was called “feminist” because a woman wrote it, a woman directed it, and a woman produced it. But really, as you’ll find if you watch the special features, this was just a coincidence (the director, an Ivy League-educated woman, claims that she turned down E.T. to do this movie). Also, people have claimed that the women are portrayed in this film as being smart and strong, whereas the men are portrayed as dumb and weak. Though it’s all the same when the drill comes through their chests, amirite???

The plot is this:

The high school girls basketball team is having a slumber party. An escaped mental patient, armed with a ridiculously obvious phallic symbol (a long drill), crashes the party.

I mean, how classic is that? It’s “the Hook” or “the Blob” except with boobs!

Check out the cover again, except with a little “embellishment” on the part of yours truly…

The imagery is more than obvious. Here’s the bad guy, standing over a group of submissive women, brandishing a giant pecker… which they are clearly frightened of. The skeet-skeet, wellll… I just couldn’t help myself. I apologize. But since all the “lawful good” people left 30 minutes ago, it’s just us video nasties and free thinkers in here anyway, right?

This type of imagery persists throughout the film, but there is one scene towards the end that really seals the deal…

Yeah, I took a screenshot

drill circumcision

The hero of the story cuts the bad guy’s drill off with a machete. If this isn’t clear enough, I don’t know what is. As soon as the drill gets cut, you know the bad guy is a fucked chicken. He is rendered impotent and, therefore, will now suffer death at the hands of the strong woman he is trying to penetrate with his “drill”.

I promise, there is even a scene where he tells one of the chicks, “You know you want it…”

So anyway, Slumber Party Massacre is great fun, even if you ignore the symbolism. I swear, when I saw “Slumber Party Massacre COLLECTION” on Amazon, I nearly shit. It was one of those moments when you look around and wonder if everyone around you was keeping this information from you… because there is no way this existed without you knowing about it before now.

The second Slumber Party Massacre doesn’t take itself seriously at all (the bad guy has a guitar with a giant drill on the end. rock n roll = sex, right?). This first one is serious a little bit.

Check it out, and again, Happy Halloween/October and welcome back if any of you discovered this place yesterday.

Posted in About Media, General dorky shit | 2 Comments

Marriott Marquis for Dragon*Con 2012 SOLD OUT in 8 Minutes!!!

Posted on October 3, 2011 by bayoubabylon

332 Days Until Dragon*Con 2012…

According to the internet, rooms at the Marriott Marquis were SOLD OUT in 8 minutes flat!!! This is beyond my comprehending abilities. First off, how in the hell could that many people get in touch with one hotel, all at the same time, in 8 minutes? There was online booking, and of course you could go the steampunk route and call them, but I just don’t see how 2,200 (!) rooms can sell out that quick without their website completely crashing from the traffic, or the phone lines being melted by the sheer will of so many nerds trying to crowd in at once.

The good news, which you already know if you follow my facebook and/or tweeters, is that Fit for Dragon*Con is IN!!!! Indeed, tis true…

I woke up this morning, went to the JFZ (I even had a guest! the wife went with me. I am a proud owner of the “BLACK CARD” which means I get unlimited tanning… and also unlimited guest privileges), had a great workout (35 minutes with the ol’ whirly bird, then the trilogy of terror), came home and took a shower, then got on the computer at 5 minutes until 7am here (8am there).

I posted on tweeter and counted down the minutes until 2 minutes till 7am. Then I went to the website, which I accessed via the D*C official site, and refreshed the page over and over until it allowed me to book a room. I faltered once, when it asked if I wanted a “Deluxe Room” or a “2 Double Beds” room. They were the same price, so I took a second to peruse what could possibly be the difference. I definitely wanted two beds (my D*C travel companion and I are tight bros, but not that tight), but if a “deluxe” room included something cool, at no extra cost, like an in-room massage therapist, then I wanted that.

I shook myself out of my reverie, saying to my self, “Self! Wake up, Precious! We just want a room! To hell with the details!”

So I clicked on the “2 Double Beds” room and the rest is history. Real history, none of that alt- shit.

Right after that, I got back on the tweets and someone I’m “following” had already tweeted that the rooms were sold out. To test this, I went back to the reservations website, put in the D*C dates and, sure enuff, the rooms were “unavailable”.

Didja get in??? I hope so. I only want the best for anyone who is kind enough to read this. If you did not, do not fear! In the past, when a hotel has sold out for a special event, they may open up more rooms for availability to conventioneers (or as the Marriott’s rez site says, my “colleagues”). You can rest assured that all of the rooms are not given up to D*C folk like ourselves.

I have also heard that the Hyatt is already sold out, so get on those reservations as soon as you can!

With all that, I must admit that I’m excited! So excited, in fact, that I’m going to post some pictures that I have taken in the Marriott during Dragon*Con. If I can find them…

"I am Irrrooonnnn Maaaaannnn..."

I honestly have a really hard time believing that some joe-shmoe like me made this costume. Sure, it looks good (even though I almost universally hate all the new superhero movies), but it looks too good. This is a professional job, hanging out with all us losers who have to make-do with our homemade Goblin King costumes. Behind Hollywood here, you can see the bar that is in the atrium at the Marriott. Drinks are ridiculously overpriced at this joint, but like all fun places to be, “you’re paying for the atmosphere”.

Well. I thought I had more pics that were obviously from inside the Marriott, but I must have deleted them or something. This photo is right after the Iron Man one, so I guess it was taken in there somewhere. Somewhere near a Ladies room.

God of War

Kratos is pissed. Just look at him. He can’t find the Men’s room. Or the God’s room. He thought he had found it, but nope, it was the Ladies room. Now he’ll kill anyone who stands between him and urinary relief (even the gods are not immune to the effects of too many mojitos).

But seriously, this dude looks just frackin like Kratos, which is why I took a picture of him (I’m a big fan of the first God of War game). It was funny because I think I was the only dude taking pictures of him. Fuck it. I’m comfy in my own masculinity. Comfy enough, even, to take pictures of half-neckid dudes in warpaint.

Well…. that is enough for today. I was going to post about my D&D Alignment, but that will just hafta wait until tomorrow. My “word counter” is telling me that it’s time for a commercial.

But before we go, I wanted to tell you all that it is now, for real, October. One of the best months of the year for many reasons, and the start of the holiday season. 2011 is officially on its way out. It’s downhill from here because there is constantly something going on.

Hallowe’en, the O.G. Dragon*Con, is coming towards us at an alarming rate. Once upon a time, I posted on a message board where I did a thread every year called “31 Days of Halloween”. I am convinced that ABC Family stole this from me. I would review a different something (it didn’t have to be a movie, though most times it was) to watch every day until Halloween. Well, I’m bringing them shits back. Better late than never, right?

So, 28 Days of Halloween…

Starting tomorrow. So it’ll be 27 Days of Halloween.

See you then.

Posted in About Dragon*Con, About Me, About Media | 3 Comments

Dragon*Con Host Hotel Day & an Uninvited Guest

Posted on October 2, 2011 by bayoubabylon

333 Days Until Dragon*Con 2012…

As I said last week around this time, tonight we count on the magic number to help us wake up and get a room at the Atlanta Marriott “Science Mothafrackin’ Fiction” Marquis tomorrow morning.

In fact, it’s official. Dragoncon.org says so, and I quote:

The Atlanta Marriott Marquis will start taking reservations for the 2012 show on Monday, Oct. 3rd at 8:00am et.

That’s 7am for me. Which isn’t too early, honestly. I can even go to the JFZ tomorrow morning at my regular time and come home and still have plenty of time to call in all my L.A. privileges.

Not only that, but the hotel is going to be cheaper than my friend and I had thought! $190/night for a single/double!!! Sweet!

Also, for those of you who may be interested in staying at the Hilton, I found out today that RESERVATIONS ARE ALREADY OPEN!!! You must call a special number and mention Dragon*Con 2012. That number is 1-800-445-8667. I found this out after looking at the D*C website and it wasn’t exactly clear whether the reservations were open or not, so I called the Hilton and a nice guy answered and gave me this secret number. So now I feel useful, like one of the Hardy Boys or something.

The other hotels (Hyatt Regency, the Sheraton, and the Westin Peachtree Plaza), I can’t speak of, because I don’t know when the reservations will be open, or if they are already.

Right now the plan is to call the Marriott Marquis in the morning and, if that fails, call the Hilton. I honestly feel pretty confident that we’ll get in at one of these.

the Uninvited Guest

Last night, while chillin’ around a campfire in the backyard, peacefully enjoying the cooler temperatures with some wine and a pipeful of pipeweed (Rattray’s “Hal ‘o’ the Wynd” smoked from a Peterson 309 Rustic P-Lip, for any of my fellow members of the Pipesmokers Guild out there), an uninvited guest showed up.

Because of the connotations associated with a phrase like “the uninvited guest”, you have probably already guessed that this guest wasn’t human.

And you would be right…

Malachy Seamus O’Possum
 
That, friends, is a possum.
The tree he is in is a palm tree. That is the tropics… Alabama style! I should be shot for typing that just now. Or this: Alabahama. Kill me.
 
These particular palm trees are “jelly palms”, meaning they produce jelly palm fruit, a rather loquat-ish fruit that is edible, but isn’t the greatest shit in the world… unless you are a possum or a raccoon.
 
Every year, when the jelly fruits come out, they sit on the tree because we don’t eat them (the fruits, not the possums), and then fall off and rot on the ground. The scent of the fruit attracts a lot of critters. Possums & raccoons being the only “real” animals. The rest are flies and yellerjackets, mostly.
 
The possums and raccoons eat the fermented fruit and get drunk as WC Fields (“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her!”).
This is humorous to me.
I’ve always found animals to be really funny anyway, but when they’re drunk, they really ramp up their silly antics.
 
Malachy here, despite his Paddy heritage, was not here to feast on intoxicating mystery fruit. I like to think he just stopped in for a visit.
 
Entranced by our rituals of drinking the concentrated element of the fruit he was after, and by the rousing smell of a roasting pure Virginia pipeweed wafting on the fall air, he dared think he would be welcome around our hearth.
 
What he did not realize however, is that humans may think he is cute in the face, but when they see that disgusting tail, all bets are off. I don’t know what the colloquial slang for the opposite of a butterface is, but possums are that. Buttertails. As in, “Everything is cute, buttertail.”
That thing really taps into some bygone human memory and elicits a natural response not unlike when you discover you have accidentally stuck your hand in a booger when you tried to move your table.
 
And if you look at this next picture, Malachy really just looks like a giant rat caught in a tree.

Check out that leathery tail. Gross.

 
 
 
Little did Malachy Seamus O’Possum know, but it was less than an inch of glass that separated him from certain death at the hands of our most feral roommate.
 
the glowing eyes of death are watching you, Mr. O’Possum
 
 
Mr. Fletch. If you could somehow will that glass away, Mr. O’Possum would meet a fate reserved only for Christians in the Roman Colosseum. To be torn limb-from-limb by a wild rampaging cat.
And Mr. O’Possum thought the main threat was the humans with cameras and liquid refreshment…. ha!
 
Food, Lately
I know I haven’t been documenting everything I eat. I probably should, so that I don’t eat any pizzas, for fear of having to report on it here. Not that you give a shit.
 
Boring, I know. Almost as boring as reading about a possum in a palm tree.
 
Anyway, here’s a meal I’ve had twice in the past week:
 
from Cracker Barrel (laugh if you want, I love it):
– 2 grilled Rainbow Trout filets (delicious)
– 1 side of green beans
– 2 sides of turnip greens (one of my favorites)
 
For breakfast every day, I eat yogurt mixed with that Kashi Twig cereal. I also drink V8, water, and copious amounts of black coffee.
 
Lunch, lately, has been a baked potato topped with either eggs or beans. Then brown sauce.
 
Dinner has been crawfish, or celery with soy butter, or something else. My main meal of the day is lunch, especially when I’m trying to lose weight. Last night I had an apple and a can of sardines (gettin’ my Omega-3’s bitch!).
 
Between meals, I rely on my fruit’n’nut sets and rice cakes. Sometimes some celery and soy butter (soy butter was on sale. 99 cents a jar! Can ya believe that?).
 
I doubt any of this is good for me at all. Especially the eating-out meals and the taters with beans. But it’s definitely better than buffalo wings (which are coming sometime soon with the coupon I mentioned before), pizza, and heavy beer.
 
 
Before we go, here’s another pic of Fletch, just because I thought it was awesome.
 

Satan Panther

 
 
Posted in About Dragon*Con, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

2 Spoilers and more Fitness Jeopardy for Dummies…

Posted on October 1, 2011 by bayoubabylon

My Wife the Scientist got a real bang out of yesterday’s post. Mostly because of how ignorant I am in the ways of biochemistry. My excuse? Baby, you may be “Math & Science” but I’m “Arts & Leisure”. I’m not supposed to know what the hell a fatty acid is. That’s what the internet is for, so goombas like me can look it up when they’re writing their dumb blogs.

This leads to the first spoiler…

If you’ll remember yesterday’s cliffhanger ending, we had discovered a new fitness term. “ATP”. Tke first spoiler is that my wife told me that it was energy, a unit of.

Now that I know that, we’ll take a wild guess at what “ATP” stands for.

1. ATP:

ATP is energy, we know that. It is produced by fatty acids, which are called “fatty acids” not because of their girth, but because of their molecular chain of command. I feel some weird, mysterious urge to throw the word “lipids” in here somewhere. Now, as far as what ATP stands for, and how it fuels cells and other bio-mechanical whatsits, I have no idea. But here’s a shot in the dark, so that you science folk can have a nice chuckle at my idiocy:

I want to say that ATP stands for All-Terrain Prototype. Like a Batman four-wheeler. Clearly this is wrong. An all-terrain Batmobile is not going to fit in your blood stream. This isn’t InnerSpace or Fantastic Voyage. I’m betting it has some long name like AnhydroTetracyclenimustasticPlatypusmatipushydrozone. It works because, as everyone knows, AnhydroTetracyclenimustasticPlatypusmatipushydrozone is the same shit that they funnel into rocketcars and sorority girls to make them so bubbly. The side effects of ATP are unknown, but seem to include brain damage and acute gold-diggery.

Ok, now that I’ve embarassed myself, let’s see what webMD says…

Well shit. webMD didn’t seem to know either, so at least I don’t feel too stupid.

Here we go. Wikipedia, you are the wind beneath my wings. Check this shit out. I was close…

Adenosine-5′-triphosphate (ATP) was discovered by Sir Jared Fraser and is a multifunctional nucleotide used in cells as a coenzyme. It is often called the “molecular unit of currency” of intracellular energy transfer.[1] ATP transports chemical energy within cells for metabolism. It is produced by photophosphorylation and cellular respiration and used by enzymes and structural proteins in many cellular processes, including biosynthetic reactions, motility, and cell division.[2] One molecule of ATP contains three phosphate groups, and it is produced by ATP synthase from inorganic phosphate and adenosine diphosphate (ADP) or adenosine monophosphate (AMP).

What’s up with that 5 in there? From my college chemistry class (which was *cough cough* years ago), I think it means that there are 5 “Adenosine” whatevers in there. Molecules and yodas and shit. Seems to me that it should be called A5TP, so it sounds like a droid.

2. the Core

I hear this term all the frackin time on infomercials for stuff like P90x or other things like that. “Ya gotta work out that Core, yo!” Stuff like that. I, personally, think it’s just more fitness-fad tomfoolery. The Core, in my opinion, is probably just your torso. The “core” of your body. I think that because I’m shaped like an apple. Another reason I think that is because I am taking it for granted that the people who come up with these terms are hardcore Hardbodies whose brains have been turned to porridge by “bulk up” smoothies and a long-term diet of canned tuna and ESPN. In other words, I doubt that “the Core” is a creative metaphor for your biceps or your endocrine system.

That said, I think “the Core” may not only include your abs and love handles and hairy chesticles. There seems to be some underlying metaphysical meaning as well. Like maybe something connected with yoga or some sort of ancient acupuncture-esque technique, referred to only in hushed tones in the back of some esoteric martial arts class. Working out your “Core” seems to connote working your muscles, but also working your soouuuulllll. whoa.

Ok, here’s what a “real” fitness expert thinks the “Core” is… If I can find one…

Here is a definition that I found on “Better Homes & Gardens” (pfft. whatta they know about getting Rambogoncon’d-Out???)

Your core consists of the collection of muscles around your midsection that, when strong enough, supports your body in almost everything it does.

Yawn. Boooorrrring. That was almost as anticlimactic as the last episode of Seinfeld. My overactive imagination went to work again on “the Core”. It really is just as plain and boring as I suspected it might be. I found a ton of workout routines called “Total Core Workout” (apparently they all claim to be the original), which makes me think that these workouts may have something to do with some variation of heavy metal music. Maybe you listen to Agnostic Front while doing pushy-sit-em-ups.

3. Greek Yogurt

Yes. I know what yogurt is. I also know what Greece is. Furthermore, I know that just stating “Greek Yogurt” is not a fitness term… but it is certainly a fitness fad, and I want to know what it’s all about. Because I do enjoy yogurt, and gyros ain’t too bad, either. How the devil is yogurt from Greece superior to, say, yogurt from Canadia? I am thinking that “Greek” is more of a style of yogurt, rather than a reference to where it comes from.

Not to advertise for them or anything, but a friend of mine turned me on to the “Stonyfield Organic 0% Fat Vanilla Yogurt”, and it is my go-to for my yogurt needs. Last time I went to the store, I bought some “Cabot Brand Greek Style Vanilla Bean Yogurt”. It is not fat-free, so I am going to go out on a limb here and say that it is not as healthy as the Stonyfield.

From what I can tell, the “Greek Style” is smoother and more dense than other yogurt that I have had. This could make it harder to digest, thus working your digestive health system more and burning more calories. So I guess that is my theory:

Greek yogurt is thicker so it burns more calories when you’re digesting it.

Just let me see what da web says about the subject…

A website called “Live Strong” (something Rambogoncon can approve of), says that, indeed, Greek yogurt is thicker than American yogurt (and also, presumably, Canadian floppy-head yogurt). It also has less sugar and carbohydrates, but more protein.

I’ll be damned. Greek Yogurt really is better for you. It may be a fad, but it seems that it’s for good reason.

So that’s it for today. We’ll play more “Fitness Jeopardy for Fitness-Ignorant Geeks” some other time, but I’ve had enough for now.

In closing, here’s an artist’s conception sketch of the new A5TP droid. So I’ll have a thumbnail when I share this shit with the webiverse.

"A5TP. Workin' that Core like a mofo."

 
Oh snap. I almost forgot the 2nd spoiler! In fact, I did forget it and had to come back and edit this!
 
Did you know…
Disney is making a Lone Ranger movie?
 
How is this a spoiler?
I was planning on dressing up as the Lone Ranger for Dragon*Con 2012, which is the whole point of getting into shape because the Lone Ranger was not a fatshit.
 
So what?
A Lone Ranger costume will not be cool AT ALL if this happens. That’s “so what?” asshole. I was keeping it under my hat (my white cowboy hat) so it would be a surprise in 300 days or so. Damn it.
 
Arrrrrgh. Media, you are frustratingly one-step-ahead of me all the time. I hate you.
 
 
 
 
 
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