2 Spoilers and more Fitness Jeopardy for Dummies…

My Wife the Scientist got a real bang out of yesterday’s post. Mostly because of how ignorant I am in the ways of biochemistry. My excuse? Baby, you may be “Math & Science” but I’m “Arts & Leisure”. I’m not supposed to know what the hell a fatty acid is. That’s what the internet is for, so goombas like me can look it up when they’re writing their dumb blogs.

This leads to the first spoiler…

If you’ll remember yesterday’s cliffhanger ending, we had discovered a new fitness term. “ATP”. Tke first spoiler is that my wife told me that it was energy, a unit of.

Now that I know that, we’ll take a wild guess at what “ATP” stands for.

1. ATP:

ATP is energy, we know that. It is produced by fatty acids, which are called “fatty acids” not because of their girth, but because of their molecular chain of command. I feel some weird, mysterious urge to throw the word “lipids” in here somewhere. Now, as far as what ATP stands for, and how it fuels cells and other bio-mechanical whatsits, I have no idea. But here’s a shot in the dark, so that you science folk can have a nice chuckle at my idiocy:

I want to say that ATP stands for All-Terrain Prototype. Like a Batman four-wheeler. Clearly this is wrong. An all-terrain Batmobile is not going to fit in your blood stream. This isn’t InnerSpace or Fantastic Voyage. I’m betting it has some long name like AnhydroTetracyclenimustasticPlatypusmatipushydrozone. It works because, as everyone knows, AnhydroTetracyclenimustasticPlatypusmatipushydrozone is the same shit that they funnel into rocketcars and sorority girls to make them so bubbly. The side effects of ATP are unknown, but seem to include brain damage and acute gold-diggery.

Ok, now that I’ve embarassed myself, let’s see what webMD says…

Well shit. webMD didn’t seem to know either, so at least I don’t feel too stupid.

Here we go. Wikipedia, you are the wind beneath my wings. Check this shit out. I was close…

Adenosine-5′-triphosphate (ATP) was discovered by Sir Jared Fraser and is a multifunctional nucleotide used in cells as a coenzyme. It is often called the “molecular unit of currency” of intracellular energy transfer.[1] ATP transports chemical energy within cells for metabolism. It is produced by photophosphorylation and cellular respiration and used by enzymes and structural proteins in many cellular processes, including biosynthetic reactions, motility, and cell division.[2] One molecule of ATP contains three phosphate groups, and it is produced by ATP synthase from inorganic phosphate and adenosine diphosphate (ADP) or adenosine monophosphate (AMP).

What’s up with that 5 in there? From my college chemistry class (which was *cough cough* years ago), I think it means that there are 5 “Adenosine” whatevers in there. Molecules and yodas and shit. Seems to me that it should be called A5TP, so it sounds like a droid.

2. the Core

I hear this term all the frackin time on infomercials for stuff like P90x or other things like that. “Ya gotta work out that Core, yo!” Stuff like that. I, personally, think it’s just more fitness-fad tomfoolery. The Core, in my opinion, is probably just your torso. The “core” of your body. I think that because I’m shaped like an apple. Another reason I think that is because I am taking it for granted that the people who come up with these terms are hardcore Hardbodies whose brains have been turned to porridge by “bulk up” smoothies and a long-term diet of canned tuna and ESPN. In other words, I doubt that “the Core” is a creative metaphor for your biceps or your endocrine system.

That said, I think “the Core” may not only include your abs and love handles and hairy chesticles. There seems to be some underlying metaphysical meaning as well. Like maybe something connected with yoga or some sort of ancient acupuncture-esque technique, referred to only in hushed tones in the back of some esoteric martial arts class. Working out your “Core” seems to connote working your muscles, but also working your soouuuulllll. whoa.

Ok, here’s what a “real” fitness expert thinks the “Core” is… If I can find one…

Here is a definition that I found on “Better Homes & Gardens” (pfft. whatta they know about getting Rambogoncon’d-Out???)

Your core consists of the collection of muscles around your midsection that, when strong enough, supports your body in almost everything it does.

Yawn. Boooorrrring. That was almost as anticlimactic as the last episode of Seinfeld. My overactive imagination went to work again on “the Core”. It really is just as plain and boring as I suspected it might be. I found a ton of workout routines called “Total Core Workout” (apparently they all claim to be the original), which makes me think that these workouts may have something to do with some variation of heavy metal music. Maybe you listen to Agnostic Front while doing pushy-sit-em-ups.

3. Greek Yogurt

Yes. I know what yogurt is. I also know what Greece is. Furthermore, I know that just stating “Greek Yogurt” is not a fitness term… but it is certainly a fitness fad, and I want to know what it’s all about. Because I do enjoy yogurt, and gyros ain’t too bad, either. How the devil is yogurt from Greece superior to, say, yogurt from Canadia? I am thinking that “Greek” is more of a style of yogurt, rather than a reference to where it comes from.

Not to advertise for them or anything, but a friend of mine turned me on to the “Stonyfield Organic 0% Fat Vanilla Yogurt”, and it is my go-to for my yogurt needs. Last time I went to the store, I bought some “Cabot Brand Greek Style Vanilla Bean Yogurt”. It is not fat-free, so I am going to go out on a limb here and say that it is not as healthy as the Stonyfield.

From what I can tell, the “Greek Style” is smoother and more dense than other yogurt that I have had. This could make it harder to digest, thus working your digestive health system more and burning more calories. So I guess that is my theory:

Greek yogurt is thicker so it burns more calories when you’re digesting it.

Just let me see what da web says about the subject…

A website called “Live Strong” (something Rambogoncon can approve of), says that, indeed, Greek yogurt is thicker than American yogurt (and also, presumably, Canadian floppy-head yogurt). It also has less sugar and carbohydrates, but more protein.

I’ll be damned. Greek Yogurt really is better for you. It may be a fad, but it seems that it’s for good reason.

So that’s it for today. We’ll play more “Fitness Jeopardy for Fitness-Ignorant Geeks” some other time, but I’ve had enough for now.

In closing, here’s an artist’s conception sketch of the new A5TP droid. So I’ll have a thumbnail when I share this shit with the webiverse.

"A5TP. Workin' that Core like a mofo."

Oh snap. I almost forgot the 2nd spoiler! In fact, I did forget it and had to come back and edit this!
Did you know…
Disney is making a Lone Ranger movie?
How is this a spoiler?
I was planning on dressing up as the Lone Ranger for Dragon*Con 2012, which is the whole point of getting into shape because the Lone Ranger was not a fatshit.
So what?
A Lone Ranger costume will not be cool AT ALL if this happens. That’s “so what?” asshole. I was keeping it under my hat (my white cowboy hat) so it would be a surprise in 300 days or so. Damn it.
Arrrrrgh. Media, you are frustratingly one-step-ahead of me all the time. I hate you.
This entry was posted in About Dragon*Con, About Fitness, About Me, About Media. Bookmark the permalink.

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