331 Days Until Dragon*Con 2012…

331 days to go, and it’s been 3 weeks since I started this website and started trying to whip my flabby ass into shape… and yesterday saw the most traffic ever on fitfordragoncon.com. I tell ya, friend, it makes a fella want to write “Dragon*Con” and “Hotel” into the title of every post.

If any of you who discovered this site yesterday are back, then welcome! There were a ton of you, though no one left any comments except for a nice guy who wanted to let me try some penis enlargement pills for FREE. Thanks for the offer bro, but I’ve had enough.

Right off the bat, we’re going to dive into a question that nerds the world over have pondered and scratched their chins about for eons….

What is my alignment???

This question is one that we’ve all thought about (I’m assuming), but was recently asked by a friend of mine on the facebook.

If you have never played D&D before, and have no clue what an “Alignment” is, then I can go ahead and tell you that, in this instance, Alignment has absolutely nothing to do with wheels or cars. That might never have crossed your mind, but remember that I live in the South, where everything is related to either cars or guns.

Alignment just means your personality. Are you a good guy? Are you a dastardly villain tying girls to train tracks? Do you work for the forces of order… or do you sometimes do things to purposefully disrupt the order?

This comes into D&D because your character, the character that you “role play” in this “role playing game”, must act according to whatever alignment you choose for him/her. If you don’t, it could have grave consequences for your little Rambo or whatever your warrior’s name is. You know, the one with the vorpal sword. Many DM’s do not enforce this too terribly much (we never did, though I think that, if it came down to it, all of our characters would have been Chaotic Evil).

If you’ve ever wondered what your RL alignment is….

Well, it’s time to find out.

Before we go any further, you must TAKE THIS TEST.

I’m waiting.

Still waiting…

Ok, are you done? What’d ya get?

First off, all the Lawful Good people, GTFO. Seriously. As Joker says, “Decent people shouldn’t live here… they’d be happier someplace else.”

Before I divulge what I am, I wanted to copy and past a bunch of info from that site. “Talent imitates, genius steals” and whatnot, right? Clearly these are not the actions of a Lawful Good maniac.

It’s important to know what these Alignments mean, and what they say about your character. This test is far from infallible, but it is fun to see what the internet thinks your alignment might be. It also makes me wonder how many more times I’m going to have to type out “alignment” for this post, and how many more times I’m going to misspell it.

Lawful: A lawful person does, as you would imagine, what the law requires. While this “law” may not technically be the “laws” as we think of them in our society, it usually does mean the same sort of things: honesty, honor, obedience to authority figures.

A “lawful good” person would be someone who honors the law of the land and can’t stand to see a guilty person go free. They are someone who will do good at any cost. They would be someone who would gladly go to war if they thought it was the right thing to do and that guilty parties were out there and needed to be punished, regardless of the consequences.

“Lawful neutral” would be a more rational person than the “lawful good” people out there. I always think of “lawful neutral” people as that rare beast that we all hear about, but never seem to see: a good cop.

A “lawful evil” person does exist, but they may be even more rare. A “lawful evil” person does what they want, but it must fit into their own moral code. Two good examples of this are Chigurh in “No Country for Old Men” or Daniel Plainview in “There Will Be Blood”. Both of these characters take what they want, but yet still have very strict principles, but these principles are their own.

Chaotic: A chaotic person is going to do what they want, when they want. This may sound great, but it can sometimes lead to trouble when the character is reckless or abandons a quest in order to do something that seems completely random. A Chaotic person will oftentimes carry a deep resentment for authority.

“Chaotic good” people do what they think is good, with little to no regard for the consequences. This could include helping a prisoner, whom they think is innocent, escape from prison. A chaotic good person would be more like the superheroes that we see in comics. Or at least like the Punisher or something like that.

“Chaotic neutral” are the free spirits. The true hedonists, who do what they want at any time and follow no sort of code but their own. They are great people, as long as you are going along with their program, but can be dangerous when they seek to purposefully disrupt the order of things.

“Chaotic evil” means that you would make a fine supervillain. Like Heath Ledger’s Joker in the Dark Knight, you intentionally disrupt society for your own amusement and personal gain.

So what are you? What am I? I finished with a score of Chaotic Neutral, which definitely reflects my desire to be free, above all other things. However, I rarely disrupt things on purpose… unless Johnny Walker tells me to.

I would really like to see some folks share what their alignment is, either below in the comments section, or on the FFD*C facebooks. If you want more information on alignments, you can go back HERE, or pick up some D&D books off of eBay.

27 Days of Halloween…

Slumber Party Massacre COLLECTION!!!

Why is COLLECTION in big, bold letters? Because these classics of horror cinema were, for a long time, out of print, and now, seemingly out of the blue, all THREE “Slumber Party Massacre” movies are available in one set! And for less than $20!!! Whoever is putting out these “Roger Corman’s Cult Classics” collections should be given some sort of film Medal of Honor. I doubt it’s Corman himself, although that old huckster certainly has a way of selling bullshit to the masses.

These movies, although almost unheard of nowadays (stupid kids and your internets), the Slumber Party Massacre movies, were staples of the mom-and-pop video rental shoppes of the mid-80’s. You would go into these places, and your neighbor would be sitting behind the counter smoking a cigarette, and there could possibly be a hot bar with tater wedges and chicken somewhere in there. Dirty carpet, the smell of cigarettes and old burned coffee, and rows and rows of nasty, dirty, flicks that you’d never find at the local Blockbuster (which we didn’t even have at the time).

The really nasty ones would be in great big boxes, much bigger than the box that a hit like Top Gun would be in, as though it contained not only a copy of John Eastland as the Exterminator, but also all of the vice and sin that a dirty little hole-in-wall video store could muster.

And there it would sit, beckoning my borderline-pubescent mind with promises of tits and blood, right between “Last Orgy of the Third Reich” and “Nude for Satan”…

Slumber Party Massacre.

Released in 1982, and billed as the first “feminist” slasher flick, Slumber Party Massacre knew what sold. Boobs and blood… which it delivered. It was called “feminist” because a woman wrote it, a woman directed it, and a woman produced it. But really, as you’ll find if you watch the special features, this was just a coincidence (the director, an Ivy League-educated woman, claims that she turned down E.T. to do this movie). Also, people have claimed that the women are portrayed in this film as being smart and strong, whereas the men are portrayed as dumb and weak. Though it’s all the same when the drill comes through their chests, amirite???

The plot is this:

The high school girls basketball team is having a slumber party. An escaped mental patient, armed with a ridiculously obvious phallic symbol (a long drill), crashes the party.

I mean, how classic is that? It’s “the Hook” or “the Blob” except with boobs!

Check out the cover again, except with a little “embellishment” on the part of yours truly…

The imagery is more than obvious. Here’s the bad guy, standing over a group of submissive women, brandishing a giant pecker… which they are clearly frightened of. The skeet-skeet, wellll… I just couldn’t help myself. I apologize. But since all the “lawful good” people left 30 minutes ago, it’s just us video nasties and free thinkers in here anyway, right?

This type of imagery persists throughout the film, but there is one scene towards the end that really seals the deal…

The hero of the story cuts the bad guy’s drill off with a machete. If this isn’t clear enough, I don’t know what is. As soon as the drill gets cut, you know the bad guy is a fucked chicken. He is rendered impotent and, therefore, will now suffer death at the hands of the strong woman he is trying to penetrate with his “drill”.

I promise, there is even a scene where he tells one of the chicks, “You know you want it…”

So anyway, Slumber Party Massacre is great fun, even if you ignore the symbolism. I swear, when I saw “Slumber Party Massacre COLLECTION” on Amazon, I nearly shit. It was one of those moments when you look around and wonder if everyone around you was keeping this information from you… because there is no way this existed without you knowing about it before now.

The second Slumber Party Massacre doesn’t take itself seriously at all (the bad guy has a guitar with a giant drill on the end. rock n roll = sex, right?). This first one is serious a little bit.

Check it out, and again, Happy Halloween/October and welcome back if any of you discovered this place yesterday.