Post-Mardi Gras Status Report

Posted on February 29, 2012 by bayoubabylon

Only 183 Days Until Dragon*Con 2012….

When the alarm went off at 5:01am, my first thought was, how could something this horrific happen to me?  Here I was, sleeping, minding my own business, and now I feel like I’ve been run over by a cement truck. Did I really used to do this every day? It seems so long ago, now. There’s no way. No way that I useta do this every day.

As I lay in bed thinking “One more day won’t hurt. Just one more day to sleep in. I’ll go tomorrow. I wonder if I can get back into that dream I was having.”, I simultaneously thought to myself, “You’ll feel a lot better all day, and feel a lot better about yourself, if you go ahead and get back on the horse today.”

Somehow I found myself brushing my teeth and putting on workout pants and tying up a pair of Asics. This is all still a complete blur, as I think I was operating half in this world and half in the Twilight Zone at this point in the morning.

My normal breakfast of yogurt’n’granola seemed to whiz by me like a ghost. I drank a little water that has been sitting in a water bottle in hibernation for four weeks. Wondered if water that had been bottled up and sitting for that long was ok to drink and got mental images of stagnant ponds and the marshlands that surround my hometown.

The next thing I knew, I was changing the cat litter, muttering like Rockin’ Robin, the toothless crackwhore that useta hang around our old neighborhood. As always, I pondered if toxoplasmosis was eventually going to be the death of me, like Tommy in Trainspotting. Images of myself, old and alone, with a zillion mewling cats meandering about a worn out house, came to mind and I envisioned a cyst bursting in my brain, the end result of years of changing cat litter. The cat’s final revenge against its human oppressors.

I woke up in the car, on the way to the gym, with the Pirates of the Caribbean Ride-Through playing on the ipod (this is the complete audio from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney World, from the queue area to the exit ramp. I know, I am a nerdlinger of the highest order.).

My first cognizant thought was that Lent was going to be the best one ever this year, and that it was a really great time to lose weight and get in shape. I also thought about how Protestants shouldn’t be able to celebrate Mardi Gras, because without the sacrifice, the feasting is just plain hedonism.

My mother calls me a “back sliding Catholic”, and I guess she is right. I really don’t know what I believe when it comes to religion. I guess I’m more agnostic than anything else. But I still celebrate Lent every year, and go to Mass on Ash Wednesday. For some reason.

This year: beef. No beef for 40 days. This is, probably, a good thing. Although I ate a ton of lean beef when I lost a lot of weight quickly back in October/November of last year.

Has it really been 4 weeks since I’ve been to the gym? Fitocracy says so. That’s a whole month!!!! I can’t believe I’ve let it get this far out of hand. I mean, I knew I had gained some weight back, but a whole month?!?!?!?! That is just ridicurous.

I looked over into the passenger seat, and there was a pipe and some Apple Strudel pipe tobacco (which I ordered from Boswell’s, finest tobacconist in the States). How did that get here? Did I really think I was going to smoke a pipe on the way to the gym? Or better yet, on the way home??? Clearly my mind had truly been in a state of half-sleep-induced insanity before I left the house.

As I pulled into the parking lot of the J’n’F’n’Z, I noticed that the parking lot was a lot more empty than it had been last month. And they had added handicapped parking. Lots of it. Is it really necessary for a gym to have like 10 handicapped parking spaces? I’m all for the “differently abled” (I think that is the pc term these days), but I have never seen someone in a wheelchair at the JFZ. Not once.

My next thought was that the empty parking lot was probably due to the extinction of the dinos I mentioned in my last post. That is, all the New Year’s Resolutionators have quit by now.

My last thought before getting out of the car was, “What is Smiley Girl going to think? I wonder if she’s working today? I bet she thinks I’m a lazy, worthless, fat sack of shit. Which I am.”

I opened the door to the JFZ and surveyed my savanna, taking inventory of the members of my COC that were present.

Smiley Girl was working. Behind the desk, still fit as shit.

“Good morning!” I tried to sound cheery, wondering if she still remembered me, much less remember my number to check me in.

She smiled and said “I gotcha”. Which is JFZ-talk for “You are now properly checked into the JFZ and may proceed to the fitnessing environment.”

I couldn’t let the moment go by without saying something. Something to acknowledge that I had been lazy and not up to snuff, and to let her know that I felt guilty as a mofo about it. All I could come up with was,

“Mardi Gras got me.”

She smiled. “Better late than never.”

Damn right.

Posted in About Fitness, About Me | 4 Comments

Fitnessing 2012 or, How to Survive Mardi Gras and not gain loads of weight!

Posted on January 31, 2012 by bayoubabylon

212 Days Until Dragon*Con 2012….

This is it, folks. The final countdown. Well, not really. But this is the final day of January. So if you were counting down the days to February, THIS IS IT!!! If you haven’t gotten in all of your JFZ tokes for January, today is your last day to do so.

January is definitely a weird time for any gym member. I have often compared the JFZ to the African Savanna. If that analogy is true, then the JFZ in January is more like the Cretaceous Age right before the meteor hit. The dinos are running amok! And the mammals, including myself and the lions, are hiding out, heads down and mouths shut.

January is a Catch-22, in a way. For me, it’s inspiring to see a bunch of fatties in the gym, knocking out those New Year’s resolutions with the one-two punch of a leisurely stroll on the treadmill, coupled with chilling out on the workout machines. But seriously, new faces in the gym means more people taking fitness seriously, more shoulders to lean on when we need it (i.e. more accountability), and less stereotypical “Fat Americans” and, more specifically, less stereotypical “Fat Southerners”.

At least, theoretically. Because the flip side of that is this: If these tubbies (as one of them, I can say that) are just going to quit a month from now, they should just go ahead and get the hell out of here and quit hogging up all my gym tokes. Sweating up the sit-down push-up simulator and not wiping it down and whatnot.

Let’s face it: we all want to pull up to the gym and find it completely empty, right? It’s ok to admit it. That’s why the rich folk have “home gyms” (I am assuming these actually exist and are not just some crazy middle-class myth about the rich).

We all want to bust up in the gym and feel completely uninhibited in our fitnessing. We want to sing along real loud to our bad workout mixtapes, we want to do goofy dances when we do something good, we want to do victory laps when Eye of the Tiger comes on our ipods. But as long as we are visiting our local JFZ, that’s never gonna happen… especially in January when the dinos are frantically searching for their niche in the prehistoric, dino-eat-dino world that my JFZ savanna has become in the past month. I can’t help but picture all these new dinos scrambling around and yelling and being obnoxious while the meteor (aka a heart attack) looms large in the sky, blotting out the sun.

What will February bring? Everyone wants to be in shape for Valentine’s Day so they can make sweet dinolove all night long.

I hafta be honest, I’m hoping that the JFZ will calm down and the people who are serious about getting fitfordragoncon will settle in, find themselves a routine that works for them, and for God’s sake, learn a little gym etiquette.

Also come February, Mardi Gras will really get swingin! Which brings me to the next point:

How to Survive Mardi Gras and Not Get Fat as Hell

Sure, I could tell you, “Just stay home. Don’t drink, don’t eat rich foods, etc.”

But then you wouldn’t be celebrating Mardi Gras, now would you?

During Mardi Gras, like Christmas and other times of the year when indulgence is a perennial part of the celebrating, it is important just to think about what you are doing. In other words, when out doing your revelries, you must be in Damage Control mode. What does that mean?

1. Instead of drinking 500 beers, drink 400. Naw, but seriously. What should a fella who is trying to get fit drink? No, not water you teetotaling bitch. Men’s Health says that we should drink wine.

For forever, when trying to lose weight, I would switch to hard liquor (gin and tonic being my traditional Mardi Gras drink of choice for some reason). Turns out, hard liquor is not good for you (who knew?).

Wine, for one thing, has more alcohol than beer, which is both good and bad, for obvious reasons. But white wine, in particular, has flavoids, little flavor crystals that burn fat like a blowtorch through something melty.

I made that up.

Sorry.

Anyway, wine is apparently better for you than beer or liquor, especially white wine… for a reason that I can’t remember. And since drinking white wine is a lady thing, I’m sticking to red. Or Miller Lite.

2. Just say no to King Cake, Moonpies, etc. There is no way you will make it through Mardi Gras without indulging yourself somehow. No worries. You have 40 Days after Mardi Gras to make up for it, before a mansize rabbit brings you cream-filled chocolate eggs, damn his stinky matted hide.

King Cake is bad for you. There are no two ways around that. If I had to guess, and I don’t, I would say that King Cake is probably worse for you than anything else you may eat during Mardi Gras.

For one thing, here are the three main ingredients in a good King Cake: butter, sugar, cream cheese. Which of these things does not belong in fitfordragoncon? D: ALL OF THE ABOVE.

I guess the point is, moderation in all things, as usual. You’re (i.e. “I”) going to drink beer, just try not to drink too much of it. You’re going to eat bad stuff, just get a half size po’boy instead of the full. And I’m going to party like it’s 12 zillion B.C. and the meteor is ten feet from striking right outside my window.

(l-r) Bert, Clarence, & Lawrence have about 10 seconds until total annihilation. Oh, the things left undone!

Posted in About Fitness, About Me, General dorky shit | 8 Comments

“Wet” Shaving

Posted on January 16, 2012 by bayoubabylon

227 Days Until Dragon*Con 2012…

People “geek out” about all kinds of stupid stuff. Most of the things that people go crazy about could usually be defined as “hobbies”. Specifically, collecting.

One of my most recent fads (like a lot of guys, I tend to get into something really hard for a short while and then move on to something else) is this:

"wet" shaving stuff

As you may, or may not, know, I am a pipe smoker. A gentlemanly pursuit of the highest order, to be sure. But, for me, it is just a hobby. For most other pipesmokers I have met, pipe smoking is just a hobby, and the hobby of “wet” shaving seems to kinda go along with it a lot of times. How does this make fitforDragon*Con material? Well, it is definitely a nerdy thing to do, plus skin health falls into fitness somewhere, I’m sure.

Before we go any further in this topic, I want to be clear that I am very much a tenderfoot when it comes to wet shaving. I don’t even know why it’s called “wet” shaving, as I’ve been using water while shaving since I started shaving at the ripe old age of 5 1/2.

From left to right, my shaving kit consists of : Colonel Ichabod Conk Bay Rum Aftershave, Tweezerman Pure Badger Shave Brush, Edwin Jagger De89lbl Double Edge Safety Razor (on top of the stand), and a mug that some friends got me for Christmas a few years ago. Inside the mug is this:

colonel conk bay rum shave soap

My camera sucks. But that is Colonel Conk’s Bay Rum Shave Soap, I promise.

Bay Rum is my new favorite scent. It smells like the barbershops that I went into as a kid. Very manly. What is weird is that the bay rum scented stuff that I have all smells different, but they are all good. There’s definitely some kind of citrus-y odor in there. Some kind of herbs too.

From left to right (again), here are my quick reviews of these products:

1. Colonel Conk Bay Rum Aftershave. This stuff is expensive. I was misled by amazon to think I would be getting 4 bottles of this stuff, but it turns out that it was a misprint and I paid way too much for the one bottle. That said, this is probably my favorite thing in my shave set. It smells great, makes my face feel like a million bucks (close to what this stuff will cost you), and comes in that neat antique-lookin’ bottle. I use a cotton ball to put it on, as it is just “open” at the top and you don’t want to just dump this crap out willy-nilly because it ‘spensive.

2. Tweezerman Pure Badger Shave Brush. This is probably the most inexpensive badger shave brush you will find. It has a handsome wood handle and, ummmm… it’s a brush. It serves its purpose. It is sitting on my maple wood shave brush stand, which was around $10 or so. I don’t know much about wet shaving yet, but this brush will get the lather from the mug to your face, which unless I am mistaken, is what it is meant to do.

3. Edwin Jagger razor. This thing takes the double-edge blades that you saw your dad use when you were a kid. Unlike some DE Safety razors, it comes apart, rather than opens up, meaning you hafta take the head of it apart to replace the blade. Inside the head of this one, I have a Derby brand blade, which is fine. I like the razor so far. It’s really good-looking, all shiny chrome with “Edwin Jagger” engraved around the neck of it. I did some research and it seemed that this razor was the best value for the dollar (it was around $30, my most expensive item, but hopefully the one that will also last the longest).

4. Mug. Not much to say here. It’s a great shape for its purpose. They sell “shaving mugs”, but I can’t see how it would make any difference whether your mug said “shave” on it or not. Mine says “Camp Sequoyah Camp Leader 1969”. It holds a lather like a mug.

5. Colonel Conk Bay Rum Shave Soap. This is the only shave soap that I’ve used, so I have nothing to compare it to. But it smells great and makes a nice lather. Why Colonel Conk? Well, back when I had a full beard I had good luck with some of their (his?) other male grooming products, plus they sell everything in “bay rum” scent.

As for my shave set, the only thing I would have done differently is to get a cheaper bay rum aftershave. Other than that, I’m quite pleased with all my items and would recommend any of them to anyone interested in getting started in the world of “wet shaving”.

Why would someone get into this? I have no idea. For me, it’s the sense of nostalgia, but people will say anything to justify it. Like these things….

1. “It’s cheaper than what I was spending”. I seriously doubt this. I bought all this crap at one time and it was right at $100 for all of it. A can of Barbasol is like a dollar. You can get disposable razors for even cheaper than that. I was using Barbasol shave cream and a Gillette Sensor razor (old school, even for the “new” razors). True, the Sensor razor “cartridges” are higher than giraffe pussy, and razor blades for my new razor are dirt cheap, but I don’t shave every day, so one box of cartridges could last me a whole year. And most people who get into “wet shaving” aren’t going to buy the cheapest stuff they can get (you can get a puck of Williams Shave Soap at the drug store for less than $2. The soap I have is around $4 each). So yes, it could potentially be cheaper in the long run, but the truth is that it isn’t for most wet shaving enthusiasts. And that’s not even factoring in the real “hobby” factor: the collecting of the gear. Many wet shavers collect razors and brushes, which can be ridiculously expensive. In closing on the financial aspect of wet shaving: like any other hobby, it can be as expensive, or as cheap, as you want it to be.

2. “It’s manlier”. Go ahead and think that if you want. I know everyone’s definition about what is “manly” is different, but when I think of a Man’s Man, he isn’t spending any kind of money or time on fancy grooming products.

So why get into it? The only way to justify getting into wet shaving is as a hobby. Like pipesmoking, collecting Star Wars dudes, playing video games, or any other hobby, it isn’t practical. You hafta just accept that you like the aesthetic of it, the smell of it, the ritual acts of it, and leave it at that. There is no way, that I can see, to justify it as anything short of an affectation. It is something that you “take on”, so to speak, not something you were taught to do, or is a practical fact of everyday life. It’s like Seinfeld said that time, “What’s with the chopsticks? You know they’ve seen the fork!” Just like using chopsticks at the Chinese buffet, it’s something that you must choose to do, just because it feels right to you and you simply like it.

It may seem that I’m trying to discourage anyone from pursuing this hobby, but I’m not. So far, I have found it quite enjoyable and it makes me look forward to shaving, which is a good thing (just ask the wife).  Like pipesmoking, it’s relaxing and makes me feel like a true gentleman… plus it smells and feels good.

If you are thinking of getting into it, I would recommend this guy’s videos on youtube. He seems to be the go-to guy for video tutorials on wet shaving. I have found his videos to be useful, hopefully you will, too.

Any questions? Want to disagree with me on the finer points and whatnot? Sound off in the comments below!

Happy Shaving and I look forward to seeing all of your fresh faces at Dragon*Con!

Posted in About Fitness, About Me, General dorky shit | 4 Comments

My Geeky Christmas Presents 2011

Posted on January 3, 2012 by bayoubabylon

As a grown ass man, it can sometimes be hard to convince your family and friends that you need toys or video games for Christmas. Hell, I’d probably never even venture to ask for a lot of things that I really want from certain family members. But there’s always one or two people in your Christmas-gift circle that really know you and, whether they approve or not, will get you something that is true to your interests. And my interests usually do not include practical gifts like socks and underwear, or tools. (Just in case any family members are reading this, I appreciate the s&u gifts, and they will be put to work asap)

That said, here’s the geekiest stuff that I got for Chrimus this year:

bad movies!!!

Like most people who love obscure horror/cult movies, I am a total sucker for these multi-packs. This was a gift from my wonderful wife (would your wife buy you a multi-movie pack with a half neckid woman on the front???), who knows me very well, obviously. I don’t know if you can tell what cinematic classics are in this pack, but the only one that I have actually seen is “the Teacher”. The rest are all new to me, and that is a wonderful thing. Can’t wait to dive into these babies.

Batman Games!

I went out on a limb this year by asking for video games. To actually receive them was a gotdamn Christmas miracle! I’m not much of a console gamer (most of the time my xbox is playing the role of “expensive paperweight”), but a friend of mine recommended these games to me, saying “It makes you feel like you’re Batman. Seriously.” Or something to that effect. How could I say no? I’ve only played a little bit of the first one, but I like it so far. The “3D” that it boasts on the cover is total bullshit, but the game is still fun. I’m glad they didn’t base these games on the Christopher Nolan movies.

 

Lord of the PEZ

Two geeky things at once! Three even, if you count “candy” as being “geeky”. But PEZ dispensers and Lord of the Rings are definitely fit for dragoncon. I’m not much of a PEZ dispenser collector (I know they’re out there, though), but seeing these giant LOTR heads on top of PEZ dispensers was just too silly not to point out to my sister and say, “Yes. That. That is what I want for Christmas.” Allow me to now rank these PEZ dispensers in order, from best to not-best:

1. Frodo. Elijah Wood is a knob. I love the movies, but he gets on my nerves big time, and seeing him disgraced like this is quite enjoyable, for me.

2. Samwise. Not quite as annoying as Frodo. Funny to see Rudy on a PEZ dispenser.

3. Gollum. The only one who looks happy to be here.

4. Gimli. Beard.

5. Bilbo. Bilbo actually looks pretty good, and he’s smiling, which is very hobbit-y of him.

6. Gandalf. I think the real Gandalf would be pissed as hell at this affront to his dignity, but I hafta admit, he looks good here.

7. & 8. (tie) Aragorn & Legolas, as PEZ dispensers, are just plain boring. Aragorn’s beard looks like crap, but I like him better than Legolas, so it evens out.

 

Wallabees!

I know what you’re thinking: “How are expensive shoes geeky?” Allow me a little slideshow on why these shoes are totally frackin boss:

"I'm gonna go down to the basement and check it out."

 

Be careful!!!

 

"..."

 

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

That’s right, ladies and germs: Ash is wearing Clark’s Wallabees in the first Evil Dead movie!!!! And now I have some!!!! Hail to the King, baby!!!

 

So what sort of geekiness did you unwrap this year? Share your stories and how you convinced the Fam to get it for you.

 

 

 

Posted in About Me, About Media, General dorky shit | 14 Comments

Happy New Year!

Posted on January 2, 2012 by bayoubabylon

241 Days Until Dragon*Con 2012

Finally I can say “This year’s Dragon*Con!” instead of “Next year’s Dragon*Con!”

I know that is a small victory, but it’s baby steps to Conan Costume, as usual.

Welcome to 2012, last year on Earth. Time to party like it’s 199999. I hope you all had a great New Year’s and Christmas season, but now, if you are like me, it’s time to buckle down and get serious about getting into that costume for this year’s DragonCon. No more excuses, unless you’re like me again, and live in an area that celebrates Mardi Gras.

It’s not that I went completely insane during the holidays, either. I didn’t eat right, but I also didn’t eat terrible (terrible being a pound of bacon for breakfast, a pizza for dinner, and 3 zillion fried shrimp for supper, with candy bars thrown around in there for good measure). I wasn’t completely lazy either, but I also wasn’t Rocky. I went to the gym twice last week, as opposed to 3 or 4 times in a regular week.

But now it’s time to get back to those twigs and berries I was eating before, and hitting the gym, hard, 3 or 4 times a week. There’s not anything getting in my way or distracting me until Mardi Gras revs up to full-blown madness later on this month, but the Carnival season actually begins Thursday (12th Night).

Conan? I realize that probably isn’t going to happen. To be honest, not sure if I would do it even if I could pull it off. I’m not the Conan sort of chap. As mentioned before, my original plan was for the Lone Ranger, but then Disney announced that they would be releasing a Lone Ranger movie sometime in 2012, which killed that quicker than an arrow through a blue lace-up shirt. So where am I at? Right now I’m thinking Raiden (from Mortal Kombat) or some sort of BSG officer. It needs to be something that I can still go to the panels in. I’m not gonna be one of those guys who just hangs around waiting for compliments or to get his picture taken. There’s nothing wrong with that, but that’s not why I go to Dragon*Con. Plus there’s no way my crappy homespun costume is gonna be good enough to be one of those guys.

Anyway. Back on the horse. Seems I spend more time off than on, lately.

Happy New Year.

Tomorrow: the DragonCon-iest Christmas presents I got, and I wanna hear from yall (if there’s anyone still out there) about what sort of geeky gifts you got this year.

Do you need some motivation? Do you need to feel happy of yourself? Watch this one more time and get pumped for getting fit as shit for DragonCon!

Posted in About Fitness, About Me | 4 Comments