Saturday I mentioned that I was going to replace my tire.

I did not.

I am an idiot.

Instead, I tried to fix it myself, with the help of a couple friends, with a “plug kit” that we keep at work. From what you’ve seen on this site so far (Hobbits, Boogedies, Horsemens), you may infer that I am a master mechanic.

But you would be oh so wrong.

So today I woke up with a flat tire. The same one. This time I did go get it replaced. The waiting room of the tire shoppe where I do my tire tradin’ is actually quite nice, and I would venture to guess that the employees there have grown to think that I must really love it up there. Free coffee and popcorn and cable tv!!! If they had internet booths set up, I could stay there all day, no problem.

Hobbit Pics Part 3

This has gone on long enough. I’ll never get through all the pictures of dwarves, so I thought I would skip to the “bad ones” and call it a day.

Presenting, Fili & Kili followed by the Leader, Thorin Oakenshield:

Ok, so Fili is not that bad, right? He has a bit of a beard (not enough for me, but it’s there) and a sort of Norse look going on, which I like. Fili and Kili are the youngest of the Unexpected Party, which I guess ol’ PJ took to mean “hottest”.

Look at Kili. You disgust me, Kili. Hair blowing in the wind like you’re in a Whitesnake video, stubble on the chin like you’re Crockett from Miami Vice (the terrible show, stupids. not that terrible movie), and what’s this? A bow and arrows??? Methinks Kili is an elf spy, sent to keep an eye on this dwarf party who is clearly up to no good.

They saved Thorin for last. I looked forward to the release of his picture with great anticipation, thinking that, since he’s the Leader and a direct descendant of Thrain, he would be the Dwarfiest Dwarf who ever Dwarfed. Meaning, I figured he would be the stoutest, braided-hairiest, and, most importantly, BEARDIEST dwarf of all frackin times.

le Sigh. Look at this motherfucker. Seriously? This is supposed to be Thorin Oakenshield??? the Thorin Oakenshield??? This guy looks like he could be the bad guy in some retarded movie with Vin Diesel or the Rock. He looks like he could be in a really bad industrial band. He looks like… well, he doesn’t look like the leader of a merry band of adventurers and he doesn’t look like a dwarf. Why the hell does he have black hair and, /em shudder, a goatee??? The goatee is the antithesis of a badass dwarf beard! I’d rather him not even have any facial hair than to have a goatee! He looks like a freakin youth pastor! You are old and mighty as the Oak you are named after, Thorin, and your beard should reflect that. If not, you should change your name to Grody McPizzalockin. Or maybe some pseudo-goth name to go with your new industrial band. Like Dante something or other.

Still, I’ll probably wear pointed ears to the premiere. I hope there’s a midnight one so I don’t get my ass kicked. Bama fans hate pointy ears.

the Muppets Meet Vincent Price!!!!!!!!!!

Before you were born, dude. When I was still single. And life was great.

The Muppets had their own television show and not only was it good, it was the best thing on tv.

Most of you probably have no clue what a “Variety Show” is, which is a shame and you should feel terrible about being born too late.

A Variety Show is a show, live or on tv or live on tv, that usually features a host (in this case, most of the time this was Kermit D. Frog) who introduces different acts throughout the night. They could be musical groups, song and dance numbers, gymnasts, comedians… whatever. Anything.

The Muppet Show was different in that it also went “backstage” to show the chaos that is involved in producing a Variety Show: getting the acts on and off the stage on time accounts for most of it.

Every week, the Muppet Show would feature a different guest and, sometimes, that guest would be “seasonal”. Bing Crosby at Christmastime or, in this case, Vincent Price around Halloween. The guest would do all kinds of stuff, but they would usually do at least one musical number, whether they were known to be singers or not.

Now that you know the background on what a Variety Show is, on with today’s entry into “27 Days of yada yada yada.” That’s right, I “yada yada’d” Halloween.

This is the dvd case…

You’ll notice that this is from the Time Life “Best of the Muppet Show” collection, of which I own all of them (except for the one with Roy Rogers, which I broke… along with my own heart). When I bought these, little did I know that complete seasons of the Muppet Show would soon be released.

Also on this cover, it lists the episodes contained therein. One of which stars Alice Cooper, and another one stars Marty Feldman. We may look at those some other time. Like next year.

For now, we are concerned with Vincent Price, one of the most iconic horror film actors of all time, and voice/narrator behind the coup de grace of Halloween party songs, “Thriller”.

These Time Life dvds always open with an intro by Brian Henson (Jim’s son). Sometimes it is generic, but sometimes he talks about the specific episode you are about to watch. This episode gets one of the generic ones.

The show itself opens, like any good Variety Show, with a musical number, which should be instantly recognizable to anyone who has ever seen the show…

For some reason, this guy frightened me as a kid. It’s kind of understandable, being as he is a complete maniac. His name is “Crazy Harry” for crying out loud!!! Crazy Harry’s m.o. was blowing shit up. In this case, he incinerated Gonzo right as he was about to nail the last note of the opening number. Somebody oughta put this dynamite-loving rascal away! Why does Kermit, the voice of reason, keep allowing this guy around??? Maybe Harry’s got a little dirt on Kermit. Maybe Kermit got the Muppet theatre through the mob or something and Crazy Harry is Big Fat Mob Boss’s insane little nephew.

Maybe Crazy Harry needs to have a little “accident”…

The first skit of the show is these two monsters doing a duet of “I’ve got you under my skin” because the big yellow monster eats that little one, who looks like one of Gonzo’s distant relatives. He’s definitely got some Fraggle swimming around in his DNA somewhere.

The Monsters were a constant threat on the Muppet Show. They were in nearly every episode and they usually ended up eating someone, as is the case here and throughout this episode, since it’s a scary episode.

I don’t know why I took so many screenshots of this scene. I guess I just thought it was funny that these guys were having beers together, then all of a sudden the yellow guy eats the other one. I’m a big guy, but none of my friends are ever in danger of being eaten while we’re out drinking. So they got that going for ’em, which is nice.

This triple headed critter wants to be on the show. Kermit calls them a “triple header”, which is a baseball reference, for all my fellow nerdlingers out there. This is a running gag throughout this episode. Kermit won’t let them on the show, so they get a one-monster show going where the first head is the “straight man”, the second head tells the jokes, and the third head is the audience. That way, they’re always a hit!

Do not fret, deerheart, this is the last you will have to see of them.

We go now to Transylvania, and the first appearance of Vincent Price…

Fozzie and Gonzo have rented a cottage in the mountains for the holidays…

It is haunted. Check out Gonzo’s tangle-eye in this picture.

There is a knock at the door…

The assistant asks Fozzie what time it is. When Fozzie answers that it is midnight, the assistant cringes and tells them that Vincent Price turns into a ravening beast at midnight!!!!

Then he asks, “What day is it?”

Fozzie answers, “New Year’s Eve.” It is midnight on New Year’s Eve. They make some pop culture reference that I don’t get and this happens…

I honestly would feel guilty if I didn’t add Statler and Waldorf in here somewhere. They usually hate everything, but they like Vincent Price, probably because he is old.

A monster shows up in their box and Waldorf jumps out. The shot of him jumping out is funny, but it happens so fast that I couldn’t get a clear shot of it.

After the Statler and Waldorf incident, Kermit hosts a talk show. The topic today is “Gourmet Food”. From left to right we have: Random Purple Monster (described as a professional eater. Look out, Joey Chestnut!), a stereotypically pompous French chef, Kermit, and Vincent Price (described as a professional food critic. look out, Dom Deluise!)

They argue about food, the French chef being appropriately annoying, and the purple monster eating everything in sight.

including the chef.

We then move on to a classic “Muppet Show” segment called “At the Dance”.

“At the Dance” was a segment that usually starred “human” muppets, who would dance and toss out one-liners like they were yesterday’s coffee grounds. Since this is a “scary” episode, all the dancers are either ghosts or monsters. Here’s what these two say:

Ghost 1: Let’s go get a drink.

Ghost 2: We can’t!!!

Ghost 1: Why???

Ghost 2: They don’t serve spirits here!

Classic.

After “At the Dance”, two ghosts do a duet on some song called “I See Through You” or something. The reason I included it here is because the muppeteers are using a “Pepper’s Ghost” effect here.

“Pepper’s Ghost” is a parlor trick that, supposedly, goes all the way back to Egyptian times. Many “spiritists” used the effect during that movement to scare people out of their primitive minds and money.

It would take forever to explain how to do it here, but it’s pretty much just mirrors. You can view the classic effect in the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland, during the part where the Hitchhiking Ghosts catch a ride with you.

After the Pepper’s Ghost scene, we go to one of my favorite segments in the Muppet Show.

Often, Kermit would have a sit with the guest star and they’d have a chat. It was usually entertaining, always endearing, and sometimes produced some of the most iconic scenes ever on the Muppet Show (who can forget “Happy Feet” and I ain’t talking about penguins).

Kermit asks Vincent how to turn into a vampire, so Vincent demonstrates how to do it.

I like that one crooked tooth on the left. Not all vampires are perfect, ya know!!!

Kermit learns how to be a vampire and takes a bite out of crime!!!

It was truly inevitable that Sweet’Ums, the most famous monster in Muppetdom, would make a cameo in this episode. I was honestly surprised that he wasn’t in it more.

Here, he pulls the ol’ “Let me lend you a hand” gag, and gives Vincent a *gulp* real hand!!!!

For some reason, we get a short interlude of two houses talking together. It’s not that great, but I thought the houses looked cool, so I included them in this breakdown.

The Grand Finale of each episode featured the guest star, usually performing a song with the rest of the Cast, which in this episode, was a bunch of monsters…

Vincent, channeling his inner Phantom of the Opera. And I still haven’t forgotten you, asshole in the Phantom costume last year at Dragon*Con! You’ll get yours….

Vincent sings “You’ve Got a Friend” by James Taylor, but it’s all raspy and spooky-like because he’s Vincent “Last Man on Earth” Price.

The lovely assistant makes another appearance…

Then everybody joins in!!!!

The End.

They wrap it up, as usual, with Kermit bringing out Vincent Price for a round of applause.

It’s a good episode, better than the disappointing one with Steve Martin at least. I don’t know if it is on youtube or not, but since Disney owns the Muppets’ collective asses these days, I doubt it.

There are other skits in the episode that I didn’t include either, like one with Wayne and Wanda where Wanda turns into a monster and takes her own head off. Plus there’s more stuff with monsters eating people, of course.

I may take tomorrow off, since today took all morning. See you Wednesday!