Top 5 Reasons Why Dr. Seuss’ “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” Should be Your Favorite Christmas Special

Posted on December 6, 2011 by bayoubabylon

I am a total sucker for Christmas-y stuff, just like I’m a total sucker for horror and Halloween stuff. If something is themed like Christmas, it immediately gets a 5/10 rating from me, and can only build from there. I know that 5/10 is only “average”, but that also means that anything Christmas-y is at least as good as your average movie (for the record, I think most movies are well below average).

So, with that said, put the Jim Carrey y2k version out of your head. Just for a second, forget that it was ever made. Forget that it tarnished the legacy of the Grinch and Dr. Seuss movies for all eternity. I’m not saying it was bad (6/10, for the record. Better than average, but not much), but the 20 minute 1966 television special is so much better that, when I tell you these five reasons, you may soon be filled with a strange desire to go burn down Jim Carrey’s house and decapitate Opie.

See, these are the TOP FIVE reasons why geeks like us should immediately move How the Grinch Stole Christmas straight to the top of the “Must-Watch Holiday Specials” list that resides in our brains.

Without further ado, here they are, the top 5 reasons yada yada yada…

#5. the Grinch is a bad motherfucker

Admit it, geek. There is a big part of you that has a strong disdain for authority. Whether it is because you were mercilessly picked on when you were in school, or, if you are a lot younger than me, it was the cool thing to do, there is something inside you that hates the status quo. It’s that part of you that loved V for Vendetta years before the movie came out. The part of you that causes you to not let some asshole with a Bama sticker on his car get in front of you in traffic. The part, dear reader, who wants to see the whole fuckin thing collapse and burn.

Well, if you are like me, and the normal state of affairs in this miserable world makes you want to barf, then you have found your king: the Grinch. The Grinch hates the Whos. He hates. them. There is no more grumpy, sour, jaded, cynical, misanthrope than the Grinch.

Hate Christmas with all its bullshit, seemingly-fake cheer? So does the Grinch. But he hates it more than you do.

Can’t stand noisy kids in the restaurant, or anywhere else? So does the Grinch. But he hates them more than you do. The Grinch would probably eat them.

See friend, what separates the Grinch from the rest of us is that:

a. He’s scary. Let’s face it, the Grinch is a monster. In the Jim Carrey version we’re led to believe that he’s a Who that has gone bad. Well we say “fuck that”. The Grinch is something else altogether. A mountain troll, and a grumpy one at that. Or a green yeti. Think the Bumble is bad? Nope. The Grinch hates Christmas more than the Bumble, plus he is smart and tricksy and false. Which leads us to:

b. He’s a man of action. It’s one thing to hate on Christmas and your aggressively-normal neighbors and relatives, it’s another thing altogether to go out of your way and actually do something about it. What separates us from the Grinch is the same thing that separates that quiet kid in high school from the DC Sniper: the DC Sniper actually did it. The Grinch is scary because he’s willing to act on his viciously anti-social behavior.

Let’s face it, we hate the Whos too, but we’d never in a million years do anything to hurt them. But the Grinch would, and did.

#4. Thurl Ravenscroft

No foolin’, that is his real name. And he sings the theme song.

Why should we care? Besides the fact that Thurl was the original voice of Tony the Tiger?

Well, here’s a short list of some of the stuff he was involved with:

– the Hobbit (yeah, the Rankin and Bass one)

– Toot, Whistle, Plunk, and Boom (one of the best Disney animated shorts of all times)

But the real reason we should care is because of his involvement in “the Haunted Mansion” dark ride at Disneyland and WDW. Do you know the song “Grim Grinning Ghosts”? Thurl sang it. He’s not the voice of the Ghost Host (that honor belongs to Paul Frees), but he is the lead vocalist for the Mellomen, the 5-piece vocal group who portrayed the singing busts in the graveyard scene of the Haunted Mansion. He contributed to many classic Disney films (Alice in Wonderland, the Aristocats, etc.) and also to the soundtrack of the Pirates of the Caribbean dark ride. And he was the narrator on the 1969 “Story & Song from the Haunted Mansion” record that we looked at during Halloween.

#3. Dr. Seuss was personally involved.

Let’s be honest. Dr. Seuss was the Pink Floyd for the under-8-years-old set. You can’t look at a Dr. Seuss book and not think that it is, possibly, the most psychedelic thing you have ever seen in your life. I’m not saying Dr. Seuss was on the goofballs, but I am saying that it wouldn’t surprise me at all. And that’s fine, because Jim Henson was no stranger to the whacky tobacky himself. In fact, if you ask me, it makes it better.

That great tune that is sung by Thurl “Haunted Mansion” Ravencroft was written by Dr. Seuss himself!

Movies based on books are almost always a disappointment, but we can at least rest assured that the author’s vision hasn’t been compromised if he/she takes a more hand-on approach to a film based on their work. I always wonder what Dr. Seuss would have thought of the Jim Carrey version. I imagine he would have thought it was unnecessary, since his book could easily be wrapped up in under 30 minutes, and already had been.

This leads us to #2 on the list…

#2. Chuck Jones

This short was produced by Chuck Jones and Dr. Seuss together, and directed by Chuck “Looney Tunes” Jones himself!

If you know anything at all about animation, you know that the name of Chuck Jones is right up there with Tex Avery, Mel Blanc, and Walt Disney.

Chuck, consummate animation director that he was, was responsible for some of my all-time favorite animated shorts, and some of the most classic and well-loved Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies episodes of all frackin times.

Here’s a short list of his achievements:

– Duck Amuck (1953)

– One Froggy Evening (1955)

– What’s Opera, Doc? (1957)

If you grew up watching Looney Tunes, and you should have, then you are no stranger to these three works of art.

Thank you, Chuck Jones, for showing us all that cartoons can be funny to kids and adults alike, and for directing some of the absolute best animation in history.

#1. Boris “Frankenstein ass” Karloff

I know the animation nuts out there are wondering why I didn’t put Chuck Jones in the number 1 spot, but the reason is simple: I like horror more than I like animation, which is saying a lot. And Boris Karloff’s name is more synonymous with horror than anyone I can think of. Just the name Karloff conjures images in my head of gothic manors, foggy moors, and a hulking, nameless, horror just waiting in the shadows to pounce on your hapless ass while you go out to get the paper at 5am.

The fact that They got Karloff to do this cements the fact that, like #5 said, the Grinch is kinda scary. Karloff lends an undeniable sense of dread to anything his name is attached to, and it sets the mood for this tale of monsters sneaking into your home on Christmas Eve to do you harm.

That one Christmas Carol says “there’ll be scary ghost stories” at Christmastimes, and I really like that side of Christmas. The side that, while it is exciting that Santa will be visiting your home, it is also kinda scary that a stranger can just come busting up in your house uninvited. As a character says in one of my favorite Christmas movies, “Christmas Eve is the scariest damn night of the year“. Between the uses of Karloff and Thurl “Haunted Mansion” Ravenscroft, the Grinch certainly supports that theory.

So that’s it. Are you convinced to go out and get your grubby mitts on a copy of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” yet? I’ve made my argument, now it is in your hands. Vote with your dollar: we want more Christmas specials with slightly scary edges to them!

Posted in About Media, General dorky shit | 7 Comments

Posted on December 1, 2011 by bayoubabylon

Got a message from our friend Jonathon Cabot that said he regretfully needed to bow out of this Thursday’s post. Seems he has been deployed to the North Pole to battle goblins. Evil, nasty, hateful, stinky, Christmas-hating goblins, who ride evil Polar Bears.

Santa & the Elves, along with the good Polar Bears, have barricaded themselves into Santa’s Workshop and it’s up to Mr. Cabot and his elite crew of highly-trained gymkata experts to get them out, defeat the goblins, and save Christmas.

We wish Mr. Cabot well in this endeavor and pray for the safe return of himself and his crew of gymcats, and for the arrival of Christmas as scheduled.

Go get ’em, Gymcats!!!!

Next week, this issue should be resolved and we will, hopefully, see a return of Jonathon to the sunny USA, where he belongs, and to this Thursday spot where we’ve all been thoroughly enjoying his posts on fitness.

Until then, I leave you with this:

Posted in About Media, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Emmet Otter’s Jug~Band Christmas Part 2

Posted on November 30, 2011 by bayoubabylon

The Otters were poor: to begin with. This must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate.

The wondrous tale of Emmet Otter…. and his magical, mystical Jug Band.

Ok, so the whole 50 minute movie could easily be summed up in a paragraph. And not only is his Jug Band not mystical, they fail in their goals. Spoilers behind! No big deal. I’m kind of assuming that anyone reading this post has already seen this and is only here to humor me, or to relive their EOJBC memories and nostalgialize their lost youth.

On the cover of the dvd that we looked at yesterday, who is front and center? That is right, none other than Kermit the Frawg. But if you are looking for Kermie in the movie, you better look fast, because this is about the only time we see him:

Kermit's cameo scene

Kermit is here to tell us the story

Kermit enters the scene riding a bike. I always loved it when they would show him riding a bike, like in the iconic scene in the Great Muppet Caper. Seems like these shots would be a pain in the ass for the Muppeteers.

Kermit runs into the sign pointing the way to the sleepy communities of Waterville and Frogtown Holler which is where Emmet and his Ma live.

First Appearance of the River Bottom Nightmare Band

A group of bad muppets, the Riverbottom Gang, who will later become the River Bottom Nightmare Band, aka “the Nightmare”, pull up and hassle the frog. I included this shot because it was their first appearance, and the only appearance of any of the characters in this prologue.

The bad guys steal Kermit’s scarf and ride off in their noisy jalopy. I’ve always thought it was cool how the car actually rides off. I guess it was remote controlled or something. You already hate these guys though, because anyone who picks on Kermit has got to be the worst person ever.

They also have some sort of animal tale on their antenna. Possibly a raccoon. Being as the Riverbottom Gang are animals, I’m guessing the presence of this tail also means they are murderers. You wouldn’t hang a human tail from your antenna would you?

Apparently EOJBC originally aired on HBO in 1977. I had no idea that HBO was that old. If you would have asked me last week, or ten minutes ago before I looked it up, when HBO came on the scene, I would have thought it was firmly in the 80’s. Like 1983 or so.

Also, I guess they didn’t just show movies, but actually had some really good stuff early on. EOJBC is only about a thousand times better than Entourage. But this explains why I never saw it as a kid. My parents couldn’t even get cable out where they lived until I had already moved out of the house.

Look at this set! How elaborate is that??? According to the Muppet wiki, EOJBC was the most technologically-advanced Muppet production to date, and included the most elaborate sets that Henson and Co. had ever produced. This overhead view of Frogtown Holler shows how large some of these sets were.

The first appearance of Emmet and his Ma comes right after a Robert Altman style “tracking-shot-with-lots-of-characters-doing-different-things”. Here we see Emmet and Ma rowing down the river, delivering the laundry that Ma has washed for money. There are a lot of little communities like this around here, they’re like little swampy redneck Viennas, where the streams and rivers are the roadways.

Ma and Emmet are singing as they row down the river, something you better get used to.

I guess now is as good a time as any to say that Ma’s singing voice grates on my nerves worse than two pieces of styrofoam being rubbed together. I also think that this special can be cheesy as hell at points. Just to get that out of zee way.

Remember when I said that the entire story of EOJBC could be summed up in a paragraph? Well, here it is, followed by pictures that breeze through the whole story like the Mucho Macho burrito from los tacos through my digestive tract.

Be wary, friends, the spoilers are ahead and they’re coming fast and furious:

Emmet Otter and his mom are poor. Ma washes clothes for a living while Emmet does odd jobs for folks around town. They find out about a talent show that offers a cash prize. Desiring to buy each other presents, they both enter the contest, unbeknownst to each other. Emmet knocks a hole in Ma’s washtub, thereby ending her career, so that he can start a Jug Band to enter the Contest with. Ma sells the tools that Emmet uses for his odd jobs in order to purchase fabric to make a nice dress to wear in the Contest (this makes no sense to me). Along the way, they get hassled by the Riverbottom Gang. In the end, both Ma and Emmet lose the talent show to the Riverbottom Gang who show up as a rock band called “the Nightmare”. After the show, Emmet and Ma sing together and the owner of a local restaurant, upon hearing them, hires them to be his house band, giving both of them a job. The End.

It sounds almost nihilistic that they don’t win in the end, and that the Riverbottom Gang never gets punished for their evil deeds, like a kid-friendly No Country for Old Men, but I guess in the end the message is that, even though they didn’t win the contest, their talent together got them a job. Or something like that. Now here’s the story, told in pictures:

"Whatchoo lookin at?"

Real quick, I wanted to point out how similar the talent contest in EOJBC is to the Muppet Show. It’s basically a zany variety show with acts like this “dancing horse”.

Ma, unfortunately, sings at the Talent Contest

the Riverbottom Nightmare Band

"The winner is.... The Nightmare!"

all together now!

Ma joins the band! Happy Days!

I forgot about this terrible closing song. I just can’t stand Ma’s voice, and she insists on singing every two seconds. I would enjoy EOJBC a lot more, it’d probably be about a 8 or 9 out of 10, if she didn’t force her warbly voice on us in every single scene.

Anyway, that’s it. I know I kinda breezed through it, but believe it or not, these 20-or-so screenshots took me almost all morning. I really need to practice my computering skills. I thought there was a final coda with Kermit in it, wrapping it all up for us, but there isn’t. It just ends with this song. Which sucks. To me.

I shouldn’t be so hard on Ma, I guess. She does the best she can. If I was a judge in the Talent Contest, I would have made the Nightmare number one (sorry to say it), the Jug Band in second, and the dancing rabbit act (shown below) in bronze.

Posted in About Media, General dorky shit | 5 Comments

JFZ Today, How to Make a Washtub Bass, & Emmet Otter’s Jug~Band Christmas Part 1

Posted on November 29, 2011 by bayoubabylon

275 Days until Dragon*Con 2012….

“Risin’ up, back on the street…”

Today I interpret this to mean, “Back in the JFZ after a long Thanksgiving weekend”. I never really thought of Eye of the Tiger as a song that was open to interpretation, but I guess it is. I also never really thought I would make so many open references to the Rocky movies in my life. I wish I knew how many fatshits Rocky has inspired to get into shape, and how many of them kept themselves going on a steady diet of granola and Eye of the Tiger. I also would really like to hear Beaker singing Eye of the Tiger.

Today I thought I was really doing good, but then when I went to log today’s workout into Fitocracy, I realized that I had taken a step back. Also, a quick gripe about Fitocracy: used to, when you put in your elliptical information, you could add in your speed, heartbeat, difficulty percentage, etc. All of this info garnered me a lot more points towards leveling up my fitnessing. Now, all you can put in is the time and whether this time on the elliptical was “easy”, “broke a sweat”, “moderate”, or two other ones that are harder than that. I always pick moderate, because I think what they are getting at is the difficulty ratio, and since I use the Whirly Bird at 50% difficulty, I choose moderate, because it’s in the middle. This does not get me a lot of points, so that sucks.

Anyway, today at the JFZ was no big deal. My usual routine, which I was glad to be able to do. I think I put some kind of hoodoo on my back though, because it’s hurting now. Getting old is not for sissies and I do not recommend it. I wish I could find some Tales from the Crypt way to live forever, like stealing people’s souls, or a body transfer type thing a la “Being John Malkovich”. Although Malkovich Malkovich is older than me, which means his back might be even more broker than mine. No kettlebell this week, unless things turn around, or I can find a bathtub full of virginblood to bathe in.

Speaking of bathing in the blood of virgins…

Emmet Otter’s Jug~Band Christmas!!!!

It’s a Toe-Tapping Christmas in Frogtown Hollow!

This is a dvd case. Inside this dvd case is a copy of Emmet Otter’s Jug~Band Christmas, probably one of the least-known Muppet Christmas things ever. I got this dvd on ebay a long time ago, along with Muppet Family Christmas (which is out of print). While Muppet Family Christmas goes for crazy amounts of money on the internet, you can still find Emmet Otter for a very reasonable price.

As a lifelong Muppet fan, I had never heard of Emmet Otter’s Jug~Band Christmas (EOJBC) until about 8 years ago when a band I was in was playing a show in Kentucky. We were kind of a “jug band” in a way, meaning that we played washtub basses, saws, etc.

After the show, a young gal with a Kermit lunchbox approached me (the washtub bass player) and asked, “Have you seen Emmet Otter’s Jug~Band Christmas?” I said no, and she acted like I had just taken her dreams and smashed them into kibble n bits. After getting over her disappointment that a jug band had not even heard of EOJBC, she told me all about it. She hooked me at “Muppets” and then reeled me in at “Muppets in a Jug Band”. My mission in life had changed from “Stay on tour forever” to “Find a copy of Emmet Otter’s Jug~Band Christmas and watch it asap.”

One thing I like about this release is that this copy is released by “Jim Henson Home Entertainment”, not Disney. I can’t really put my finger on why, but it sorta bugs me that Disney owns the Muppets now. I guess part of it is that I don’t like how Disney can’t come up with anything good on their own (these days. I obviously love classic Disney stuff, how could you not?), so they just buy up anything that is good (and making money) that falls under “family entertainment” (see Pixar, the Muppets, Studio Ghibli, etc.).

This is the dvd menu for EOJBC. Here we see Emmet Otter himself, with his mom, playing a washtub bass. If you have never played a washtub bass before, I can tell you that it is easy and fun to play, but can be hard on your body. Here is how to make one:

Step 1: purchase a washtub

Step 1: washtub

Go to your local hardware store and get a washtub. I think these were originally used for laundry purposes, but now they are sometimes found with the gardening stuff. If your local doesn’t have them, then go over to Home Depot or Lowe’s, because they definitely have them.

insider view of the washtub

These tubs useta be made of galvanized steel, which meant they were virtually indestructible, but nowadays they are made out of aluminum, like this one, and will tear up if you play your washtub bass a lot, and you will once you figure out how much fun it is.

Step 2: knock a hole in the middle of the washtub

This is for the rope that you will eventually put through it, as seen here:

You will notice that the hole is not much bigger in diameter than the rope I have used. That is because there is a knot on the other side of this hole. The knot keeps the rope from pulling through while you are playing your bass.

Step 3: Put a rope through the hole and tie a big knot in it on the other side, like this.

The knot keeps the rope (string) from pulling through when you are thumping on your bass.

Step 4: Purchase a dowel and make a notch in one side and a hole in the other.

I made this notch using a drill. This notch will sit on the lip of the washtub and keep the stick from flying around while you are playing. Use the drill to drill a hole in the other side of the stick.

Step 5: Tie the rope TIGHT through the hole in the other end of your dowel/stick/neck.

I use nylon braided rope for my washtub basses, but I know people use all kinds of stuff. You’re going to want something that is easy on your hands, so don’t go getting that prickly rope stuff.

Nylon braided rope stretches out, so after a few times of playing your bass, you will need to re-tie the knot on the dowel to keep it tight. It is the tension, obviously, that makes the sound of the bass.

I tie my rope tight enough so that, at rest, the dowel is at about a 50 degree angle to the tub. That way, when you set the notch into the lip, and pull the dowel up tight, the neck/stick will be at 90-degrees to the tub and the string will be taut.

Step 6: Play it!

Easier said than done. Put one foot on the tub to hold it down and use one hand to pull the dowel up tight and the other to thump the string. The different tones come from tightening and loosening the tension on the rope, plus a lot of people “fret” the rope, as in move their hands up and down to increase or decrease the tension.

You may also want to wear heavy-duty work gloves, as you will definitely get some serious blisters from rope burn, if you have soft nerd hands like I know all of you do.

When finished, your washtub bass should look much like this:

Note that, without someone pulling on the dowel, it is at an angle to the tub.

Now that you have your washtub bass, you can play along with Emmet Otter at home! Also, by having a washtub bass that you made yourself, it is easier for you to understand one of the main plot points of EOJBC: that Ma makes her meager living by doing the neighbors’ laundry, but Emmet needs to put a hole in the washtub if his Jug Band is to win a big prize at the local talent show.

Which reminds me, I was gonna break down Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas today, but now I think I’ll save it for tomorrow. Putting together this washtub bass is a great prologue for it, anyway. Muppets, if you ever re-release this on dvd, I’ll gladly make a “special feature” about making your own washtub bass at home to enjoy with your friends! Call me up. We’ll make lunchtime happen.

Like I said, now that you have your very own washtub, it’ll make the full breakdown tomorrow of EOJBC that much more enjoyable.

Stay tuned tomorrow. Until then, here’s a preview:

Posted in About Fitness, About Media, General dorky shit | 4 Comments

Fitnessing Lately and the Muppets

Posted on November 28, 2011 by bayoubabylon

276 Days until Dragon*Con 2012…

And I seriously need to get my gameface back on. I had a run of about a week there where everything conspired against me and my fitness goals…

1st. My sister had her 40th birthday at a restaurant that is very tasty, but has nothing that could be considered remotely healthy. Plus, everyone looks at you like you’re a heel when you say you don’t want any birthday cake. I don’t know why, but people act like you stole their birthday from them if you don’t eat a piece of cake.

2nd. Obviously, Thanksgiving. This means turkey, which isn’t too bad for you. But it also means Sweet Potato Something (souffle? casserole? seems the proper name for this dish depends on where you live), Green Bean Casserole (cream of anything is not a good thing), punkin pie, etc. And that’s not to mention the leftovers which, if you are poor like us, you refuse to throw away until it is all eaten.

3rd. My birthday. On my birthday, I ate cookies, a giant burrito, punkin pie, and other stuff that I don’t remember because I was in a sugar-induced birthday haze.

The good news is that I have only missed a couple days in the JFZ lately. Today being one of them. After a week like this one, and not much sleep, I took this morning to sleep in and drink coffee.

What does this mean? Well, for starters, we can’t go back in time and make different decisions. Don’t even really know if I’d want to. So, what it means is that I must just get back on the horse and act like nothing happened and pick up my workout/eating routine where it left off… if maybe a pound or two heavier.

Now that that is off my chest, on to the business at hand…

the Muppets

Yeah, the new one that is at theatres right now.

I think I mentioned last week that I had plans to go see this on Thanksgiving night as part of my routine to go see a movie with my old friends every Thanksgiving night to kick off the holidays.

I also mentioned that I was going into this movie as “pessimistically optimistic”: not really expecting anything great, but nothing too bad either.

Right up front, I’ll say this: it was better than I expected.

The original songs were good. Not “Movin Right Along” great, but good, and more than acceptable. The song that Jason Segel and Walter sing together, “Life’s A Happy Song” is actually fairly catchy and reminiscent of some of the great Muppets moments from bygone times. I wish there had been less covers and less non-original background music.

There are several things that I was nervous about that the movie either avoided completely, or were very briefly mentioned/done:

1. The C Lo Green song, sung by the chicken chorus. I saw this in the trailers and hated it and it made me very nervous about how good this movie was going to be. This song is already kind of dated, what about 10 years from now? Rainbow Connection is timeless because it is original to the film. Thankfully, this was kept very brief.

2. Whoopi Goldberg. I know she goes back a long way with the Muppets. Good on her, for that. But she sucks and is annoying. I heard she had a cameo in the movie, which made me audibly groan, considering I blame her completely for that ‘Letters to Santa” nonsense a few years back. Again, her cameo was, thankfully, very brief. Which brings me to another thing:

3. Celebrity Cameos, particularly by “celebrities” who would only be recognized by 12 year old girls. This did happen, there were several short shots of people that sent a gasp and murmur through the ‘tween groups in the theatre, but whom I had no idea who they were. You may be thinking, “Don’t be a hater, dog, just because you are old and out of touch.” You know who the guest cameos were in the original Muppet Movie? Here’s a short list: Edgar Bergen, Milton Berle, Mel Brooks, Steve Martin, Bob Hope, etc. Do you think any of the kids in the audience recognized the significance of having Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy in a Muppet (i.e. puppet) movie? No, they didn’t. I know because I was one of them. It was only as an adult that I realized how influential the guest stars in the Muppet Movie were, and still are. This new Muppets movie, while including cameos by the current stars of the ‘tween scene, at least kept them very brief, and I think there were some thrown in there who didn’t even have a line. Good for you, Muppets. I guess you could include “pop culture references” into this third point also. I was scared there would be a lot of references to crap like “Dancing with the Stars”, but there was not, thankfully. Although the nincompoops I was sharing the theatre with (not my party, of course) probably would have loved that.

Those are three things I was worried about that the Muppets movie didn’t do, or they at least held it to a minimum. Here are things that they did do wrong:

1. Too much human action. Jason Segel and Amy Adams, in the words of the oldheads out at the railroad, “can go catch a rabbit”. I don’t think they are bad actors, I just think their roles were too big in a “Muppet” movie. In my opinion, this movie should have been called “Goofy Playdough-Face Guy and Smokin Hot Redhead Meet the Muppets. Featuring: the Muppets.” This is the same trap that the Transformers movies fell into (I’m not comparing the two. The Muppets is, at the least, one zillion times better than the new Transformers movies). Not enough of the characters you came to see. This includes Walter, a new Muppet that I liked, but I was really there to see Kermit, Animal, Rowlf, Gonzo, the Swedish Chef and Fozzie. Walter was the character that all us old-school Muppet fans were supposed to identify with… and then imagine if we got asked to join the Muppets, which to be honest, does make my insides feel all funny.

2. Bad plot. Stolen from “the Blues Brothers” and countless other “we got ta get the band back together to save something” movies. If this was meant as an homage to the Blues Brothers, then that is fine. And I realize that the plot is secondary to zany Muppet action. So I don’t count too many points off for this one. Also, they could have turned it into some kind of bullshit political commentary, since the main bad guy is an oil baron type villain, but they didn’t. So no points taken away for that.

3. Voice acting was off, and some of the Muppets acted out of character, to me. Frank Oz is not dead. I checked. Whoever did Fozzie’s voice needs to go watch Muppet Family Christmas again. There were times when the voice was so off that it took me a second to figure out who was talking. That should not happen in a Muppet movie. In fact, a Muppet movie should be able to work as a radio drama, the voices are that distinct. Also, it didn’t seem to me that Miss Piggy was quite crazy enough. This is a mild complaint, being as Piggy is probably my least favorite Muppet, but since she is one of the perennial mainstays of the Muppets, her character should be jumping through stained glass windows on a motorcycle. Not really a problem, as she does do some crazy stuff, but she should have beat the mess out of that fake Miss Piggy.

Those are some small gripes, so that is good. Here are a few things that I feel the movie got right:

1. The main thing. No cynicism, no sarcasm, no irony, no snarkiness. There is no place in a Muppet movie for self-awareness, because there is no need for it. Movies like Shrek and Enchanted (Amy Adams again) have made it popular for movies to make fun of themselves or their medium. I hate that. The world today is mean and cynical enough as it is, I don’t need self-referential humor from the Muppets to make me enjoy the movie, or feel that it is appropriate for my adult self. Not only is there none of this in the film, but they even say that the bad bizarro-world Muppets (the “Moopets”) are “cynical Muppets for a cynical world” or something like that. Taking this, the Muppets movie actively fights against cynicism, and I like that.

2. The Muppet Show. I can’t even remember all the references to the original Muppet Show. Some critics seem to think that these references make the movie more for old grouchy Muppet fans like us, and that kids today might not enjoy the film because of it. We took my 8-year-old sister-in-law to the film with us and, when asked what she rated the movie, she said “10 out of 10”. The perfect movie! We have finally found it! Clearly kids will like this movie, and the grouchy Muppets fans (as my friend referred to us) will be pleased by all the nostalgia.

3. The Rainbow Connection. The only gripe I have with this brief scene is just that: it is too brief. But they nail it, no doubt. For the record, I did not cry, but I was very pleased with this scene. In fact, you could use this scene as an example of the entire second half of the movie. The first half is the set up, but after the gang gets back together, it’s about 45 minutes of payoff, which is about 44 minutes more of good stuff than your average movie.

In summary:

I liked the movie. If you are a grown-up Muppet fan, go see it and take your kids, or someone else’s. I think that, like a trip to Disneyland, this could be one of those things that is fun for adults, but having a kid with you gives you a bit of perspective on the whole thing.

Of course, there were plenty of things that could have been done better, but there are also quite a few things that they nailed. I’m hoping this means a return of the franchise. Knowing Disney, if it makes them money, then they will continue it whether it completely blows or not.

Overall, I’ll give it a 7 out of 10. But you hafta realize, briefly, that here are my ratings for a few other Muppet movies:

the (original) Muppet Movie: 10/10

the Great Muppet Caper: 8.5/10

Muppets Take Manhattan: 9/10

Muppet Christmas Carol: 8/10

Muppets From Space: 7.5/10

Muppet Treasure Island: 6/10

Muppet Family Christmas: 10/10

Emmett Otter’s Jug Band Christmas: 7/10

A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa: 2/10. If there were no Muppets in it, this would be a goose egg.

I know this was boring, what with no pics and all, but I’m sorry, I just wanted to get my review out there, as a lifelong Muppet fan, for all the other lifelong grouchy Muppet fans out there.

Tomorrow: More Muppet action!!!!!!!!!!

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