288 Days Until Dragon*Con 2012…

One of my most common soapboxes to get on is how Geek Culture is currently being completely exploited and, instead of rejecting its idiocy, many of my geeky brethren lap it up like they can’t get enough.

This past Friday, my friends, I fell into Their trap.

Harry Pussy Potter

Your assumptions are correct. I have lost all sense of reason and should possibly be put down like a rabid raccoon.

Considering yesterday’s reviews of Dunkin Yankee Donuts Holiday coffees, you may be asking yourself, “Why does he keep buying stuff that he doesn’t like?”

The answer is, “I don’t know.”

And that is a problem for me.

I’ve always been the type who tries to ask himself, “Why do I like this?” and answer as brutally honestly as possible. And to be brutally honest with myself, the answer as to “Why did I buy the Harry Potter boxset?” is simple:

I got caught up in the hype machine. Everywhere I went on the “net”, people were excited that there was finally going to be a boxset released that included all however-many-there-are movies (see? I don’t know shit about Harry and the Hogwarts). Some people were pissed because there weren’t enough special features, some people were just excited to have all of them in one neat collection, but everywhere I went, people like me were talking about it.

And maybe that’s the key: If people who like the same shit that I like, like it… then maybe it really is good and I’m just an idiot for trash-talking it this whole time? Or maybe people who like the same stuff I like have no discerning sense of taste and will just like anything that has to do with wizards and dragons and shit. That is possible, too… and it makes me want to write a terrible novel about a wizard with a badass beard who battles a dragon.

That is not to say that I won’t enjoy the movies. In fact, I know I will. I genuinely can’t wait to see Hogwart’s in HD in my home. I can enjoy Brain Candy as much as the next guy, but like they say: too much candy jamaica you fat as fuck.

I’ve only seen the first two Harry Potter flicks, but like my cousin said, they both had the same plot:

1. kids are out past curfew. sneakin out and shit.

2. something mysterious is afoot at Hogwart’s.

3. is it the guy we all thought was a good guy who is behind it all? or the character who was just introduced in this movie?

4. Nope, it’s Lord Vulcanite or whatever. The End.

Before we move on to the two gym etiquette issues I wanted to post about today, I thought I would leave you with this:

2 Gym Etiquette Items:

Numero Uno: Today while at the JFZ, I sneezed a couple times while on the “workout floor” which is the downstairs where the muscle machines are. I sneezed into my sleeve, but something escaped. It was a lung oyster. A Luigi.

It hit the floor and I kept going like I had no idea that it had happened… but I’m pretty sure that at least one other person saw it. My only hope is that they think I didn’t realize it had happened.

There are two etiquette issues at work here:

First: Should I have kneeled down and wiped it up, acknowledging my guilt and grossness? I am guessing the answer to this one is a resounding “yes”. But, in my defense, the workout floor is no stranger to body fluids. Take that how you want.

Second: Should I have gone over to the Hand sanitizer station and sanitized my hands before using the next machine? Again, I’m guessing the answer to this is “definitely, you gross tub of shit”. Instead, I just went about my business like nothing happened. I didn’t start whistling, but you get the idea. I guess I was just embarrassed. As you all know, my two biggest fears while in the gym are either horking on the floor, or passing out, and hocking up a spicy meatball onto the gym floor is fairly close. There’s hand sanitizer by the exit for a reason. Use it.

Numero Two: There’s this middle-aged chap who is employed by the JFZ. Please God, do not let him be reading this.

Anyway, I think his job is to constantly clean up the second floor of the JFZ (this is where the cardio devices are stowed). He always, always, is armed with either a washcloth-type apparatus or, in extreme cases, a SHOP VAC. In case you don’t know what a Shop Vac is, it’s a heavy duty vacuum cleaner used to tidy up Shops. And it’s as loud as King Kong.

You may think that that is where I’m going with this: that I can’t hear my bad workout playlist over his damn Shop Vac, but no. Even though it is annoying sometimes.

Here’s where I’m going:

The second floor of the JFZ is oftentimes empty, save for myself, my wife (if she’s with me), and maybe one or two other people. This guy cleans only on, or around, the cardio machines with people on them, paying particular attention to the machines that are around female hardbodies, gnome sayin? At least it seems that way to me.

I realize that the gym probably has people in it from opening until closing, and that the best time to clean is when it is not too bizzybone, but come on, man! There are, literally, 50 other machines that don’t have people on them that you could be cleaning! And at least 40 that don’t have people next to them! Maybe clean before the gym opens, or after it closes? This might would put this fella out of a job, which sucks, and it wouldn’t take into account nasty hobbitses like me who lob projectile mucus across the workout floor.

And I’m not raging here, it’s just mildly annoying. I have seen plenty of girls leave because he was all up in their personal space, wiping something down.

I prefer to think that he’s just oblivious and only has “doing his job” on his mind. I prefer not to think that he’s a moderately creepy middle-aged perv-a-rooni.

Keep doing your job man, but if you’re close enough to me that you can hear my Gloria Estefan tapes, then you’re too goddam close and back the mess up.

I seriously considered doing a MS Paint portrait of this guy, because I think it would be really funny, but if there’s anyone reading this who knows him, or worse yet, is in a position to “discipline” him, then I wouldn’t want to embarrass anyone or get him in trouble at work. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, and maybe I’m too nice for not including a hilariously-bad portrait of him, so I’m gonna let him off the hook this time. But if he gets really close to me again, look out internets, you’re getting a terrible portrait!

Oh! And before we go, I almost forgot::::

Tomorrow, guest blogger (is he still a guest if he’s here every Thursday?) Jonathon Cabot will be back. I’m sure you all remember his amazing post last week, right? Or does the internet, by moving so fast, dull your wits? Tomorrow will be great! Stay Tuned!