I want to apologize in advance for this post. I am sorry. But a friend of mine emailed me these pictures and I just couldn’t resist.

This is the kind of post that you can only get away with late at night when the wife is out of town. 11pm is late when you get up every day at 5am.

In 1991 a film was released that, I’m pretty sure, went directly to late night Showtime and HBO. If you were a 13-year-old budding glob of testosterone and at a weekend slumber party, you would guzzle multiple liters of Mountain Dew in order to stay up and see it. By the time it came on, at 2 or 3 am or whatever, your mind would be a buzzing insect brain, keen only on survival and mating. Your eyes would be peeled and glued to the flickering tv set, dried out and sore from trying to decipher a boob out of the fuzzy Playboy channel.

But friend, you no longer needed primetime, obscured, boobs. It was now 3am and a true masterpiece of late-night, soft-core porn, was about to come on HBO…

Did it contain Language? yes.

Did it contain violence? not really.

Did it contain adult situations? Great googly-moogly, did it!

But, most importantly, the symbol we all were looking out for, like a bluetick hound on the trail of a wily raccoon, was this one:

SSC: Strong Sexual Content

It was this, at the beginning of an upcoming feature on late-night cable that let our inner ferret know that it had finally found what it was looking for.

And what was this thing we’d been looking forward to all night? This grand work of masterful cinema that we had been flooding our young bodies with caffeine for, turning our little hearts into flux capacitors?

What was this masterpiece of late night, soft core, cable perfection???

Bikini Car Wash Company!

Yes. This is/was a real movie. And yes, I have seen it multiple times. And no, I don’t remember if it has a plot or not.

I have no idea if these “Bikini Car Wash” companies still exist, or even if they ever existed. If they did exist, I have never seen one. I have a hunch that they are like some bachelor brigadoon… disappearing into the mist anytime you get too close.

I also do not care if Bikini Car Wash Company had a plot. The times when I have seen it, my mind was so ratcheted up on High Fructose Corn Syrup that every girl in the movie could have had a bit part in Total Recall.

Why do I bring up Bikini Car Wash Company, seemingly out of the blue?

Because yes, there is such a thing as a Bikini Car Wash Company. And not only do they wear bikinis, they wear Princess Leia Golden Goddam Bikinis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

(Before I get to the pics, I just want to point out that I have no frame of reference for these photos. No idea where they came from, or what the situation is behind them. I am assuming that they are from some charity event or something, but you never know. I like to believe that somewhere out there, even if it’s in another dimension, that a bunch of Leia clones are washing cars in their skivvies, while Vader and some Stormtroopers look on in rapt awe of her bodacious curvature.)

Clearly, things is tough all over. The Empire has felt the recession also and has sent a squadron of Stormtroopers to start a charity car wash to raise money for a new Death Star. One without any tunnels into the absolute weakest point in its architecture. Boba Fett is there because he’s getting paid. Pimpin ain’t ever easy, but it’s especially hard during a recession.

Somehow these clones didn’t work out just right. Nearly all of them are off-model. Maybe that’s why they got stuck on frackin Car Wash Fundraiser detail.

Either Vader is a fucking (it’s late, remember? Add an “L” to why this post is for Mature readers) giant, or that Imperial Guard left his ewok costume at home. I like the one all the way to the right, twiddling her thumbs, thinking “At least Jabba gave me a coke every now and then, this heat is ridiculous!”

I thought for sure that was Paris Hilton and I almost had a stroke. I was told that it is not. And shouldn’t she have the hamburger bun hairdo with that outfit? She is clearly a paid shill, and not a real fan.

Based on the presence of the palm trees, it appears the Empire, with its gaggle of defective Leia clones, has landed in sunny California. It’s probably a bit hot for that Endor Scout behind them. There’s an In-N-Out Burger or something back there. I bet he wishes he’d taken that job flipping burgers right now. At least those guys get to work in the A/C. And don’t hafta put up with Vader’s shit all the time.

Ok, I get it now. This is a photo shoot for Intergalactic Lowrider Magazine.

What’s a jawa to do in this situation? They are probably discussing it now, in their little Jawa language. My money is on, “kidnap her and sell her on a distant planet… with no warranties expressed or implied, of course”.

I bet Queen Amidala is rolling in her grave…

Leia’s face here says, “But I’m a Princess!!!!”

I knew I quit watching G4 for a reason…

but clearly I need to start back as soon as possible.