This afternoon I went on a quest. A quest to Take the Garbage Out. It was during this quest that I came stumbling through some brush and out into the glaring sunlight to find this:

By Ishtar, it's an Oasis!!!

It was, indeed, an oasis right back there beyond the Wild that is my backyard. I immediately ran inside and consulted the Oracle Internettum Infernus about what to do. Apparently, these oases (is that plural for oasis? oasisises?) can be used to get FIT!!! Who knew that a cement pond could be used for something OTHER than sitting around in and drinking co’bar (for those of you not from the Deep, that is a popular conjunction junction for “cold beer”). I also read that you must swim in it to fully benefit from its exercising properties, and that DOWN AND BACK is generally considered one lap! That sounded like some bullmess to me, so I decided to count down and back as two. My pool and my rules, right? I mean, oasis. But seriously, you wouldn’t run around a track then throw it in reverse and run back around for one lap, right? No, once around is one. Twice around is two. You get the picture. I bet Conan never had to worry about who was counting his laps, and if they did he’d probly eat them.

But getting back to the running track analogy, why don’t we swim in a circle around the outside of pools and count that as a lap?

I donned some trunks and a device to be able to see UNDER-FRACKIN-WATER!!! Oh, technology.

I carefully slipped into its clear blue depths and marveled at how crystal clear and freezingballs cold it was.

like a duck to water, amirite?

Nevermind the hairy chesticles. Or obscene paleness and frecklies. I guess I look more like a platypus than a duck. Point is, my true identity remains secret (although all 3 of you who look at this blog know exactly who I am).

I took a dip in the oasis, permanently damaging my subaquatic optic device, and swam a grand total of 20 laps!!! Read that again: T-W-E-N-T-Y LAPS!!!! twenty laps, bitch.

Well, 10.